Enduring Bear

Phonecall Limbo

2009-05-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

Last week, I spent a few days trying to call her. At the start, I was leaving just one message a day, saying something like, "hey, I hope to talk to soon -- hope everything is going well." At the end, Saturday, I called her five times trying to get in touch with her. I know that sounds like way too much, a crazy and obsessive number, but there were extenuating circumstances. I would have stopped after three, which seems like a reasonable limit to me, but she called me back after my third call and left me a message. (My cellphone does not always ring through, so this telephone tag can sometimes be a frustrating inevitability.) She had also called me back that Friday night just before eleven o'clock and left a brief message, but it was too late to call her back then.

When I finally got through Saturday afternoon, I was pretty happy to finally be talking to her. Soon, it was clear to me that she did not share the same enthusiasm. She has previously said that she hates talking to me either on the phone or online because it cannot substitute for real face-to-face communication. I don't disagree with that, but her position is a bit more black and white than mine. While I feel like phone calls or online chats can be a second-best alternative, she does not. For her, it's either face-to-face or it isn't worth it. I pulled over into a parking of some nondescript tavern so I would not be on the cellphone while I was driving, but also, I wanted to give her my complete attention.

Let's back up a bit. Being brutally honest with myself, my desire to talk to her was largely based in my fear that she was moving on from me, emotionally and physically. I had a dream that she had found someone else, someone more handsome than me and way more confident, someone who made her happy in a way I never could. And it really scared me. Scared me primarily because it wasn't me. I believe dreams can be a way for your subconscious to tell you something that your consciousness refuses to see. So maybe, I thought, I was unconsciously picking up on the fact that she had a new boyfriend based on evidence that my consciousness wasn't picking up on. Now, I know this sounds less than rational, but it is also not out of the realm of possibility either. I think I know her well enough to know that if she ever did find someone else, she would not be likely to tell me unless they were getting married, or maybe not even then.

And continuing with this honesty to myself, I had to admit that all I ever seemed to have brought her is unhappiness. And the fact that there might be someone else that could bring her the happiness I couldn't inspired some intense and unfamiliar feelings of jealousy in me. When I think of her, which is often, I am mentally telling myself to "let go," rationalizing how our relationship is technically over, and that she has already given up hope of our being together. I tell myself that it is her right to choose whomever she wants to be with, and if that person isn't me, for whatever reason, I just have to accept it. Arguing with the facts as they stand is pointless.

At the same time these thoughts are going through my head, I am also thinking "Why couldn't I make her happy?" The fact remains that, in spite of all of the reasons I have to be mad at her for her unfairness in our previous relationship, for the unreasonable limits she places on our communication together, her seeming lack of empathy for me and my problems, I am still incredibly in love with her. A small part of me doesn't want to be, but a larger part of me doesn't want to ever give her up.

Back to that tavern parking lot and my telephone conversation with her, things weren't going as well as I hoped. In a weird way, our gender roles are reversed in that I am practically begging her to talk to me, and she is being uncommunicative in just about every way she can be. Sometimes, I can get her to open up to me by talking about her work and the problems she has been having there. This time, that wasn't working. She seemed pretty frustrated, and later, when I thought about our phone conversation, it seemed that she was barely disguising some of her hostility toward me. I am pretty sure she blames me almost entirely for our bad relationship. I am certain if she could ever give that blame up, our relationship would flourish in a way that she never could expect. I know I would be much happier being with her without feeling her laser beams of anger focused on me. After an unsatisfying conversation, and the phone disconnecting on us once or twice, she curtly said she had to go. Reluctantly, I said goodbye in the most upbeat way I could without sounding too desperate, and I promised that I would call her back soon. When I clicked the phone off, I was feeling more depressed than ever because I realized that she was more emotionally distant from me than ever and, without destroying my opportunities to create a stable life for myself and my future, there wasn't any way for me to fix it.

The dreams I have been having are more than upsetting. Usually, she is happy. She gushes to me about how awesome "he" is, that other guy, her boyfriend, gushing about how happy he makes her. She tries to convince me how great he is. Emotionally, she is more effusive than she ever was with me. The emotions she kept walled up behind her unrelenting guardedness is finally spilling out. And she and her new boyfriend go off together on a trip together to some beautiful and naturalistic postcard scene, like an ancient grove of paradise like trees. I feel so abandoned by her, so inordinately sad. In some, I ask her if she has a new boyfriend, and despite my pleading, she doesn't answer me. She evades answering me, and actively hides him from me. A frank and honest admission from her about her having a new boyfriend would give me a path to heal, be the one avenue out from underneathe the pain of her rejection of me. And yet, I am caught in limbo.

Two Years Later

2009-05-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was the final session with my third (or fourth) counselor. Towards the end of our last session, he promised me that he "would work on finding" me a new counselor so I could continue "treatment." Yet, I must admit that I am not sure another counselor would be any more helpful than all the previous ones.

Overall, I feel disappointed by this counselor. Another part of me feels that my lack of progress is not really his fault. For starters, he is inexperienced. He was on his student internship, a fact I had only found out when he revealed that his leaving was due to his graduation from his student program. Our last conversation seemed like it was filled with his subtle promptings to declare my progress. I felt a little pushed by it. It felt like his agenda to make himself the "good doctor" was conflicting with my reality as the depressed patient. Secondly, I have only had five or six sessions with him, and I am fairly certain he never really came to know me or my struggles in any way that was not automatically superficial. To use the cliche, we were only beginning to scratch the surface.

I am not sure I am finding these counseling sessions very helpful. It feels like I go into someone's non-descript office and pour out my litany of bi-weekly sorrow, reflecting on its roots in the failure of my romantic relationship (as partially documented in this blog), only to begin to reach a deeper level of depression than before I had started talking. I usually leave the sessions feeling worse than when I came in.

Okay. That's the background. You also need to know that, although I am no longer living with my (ex?)-girlfriend, I have been seeing her off and on since she moved out of the apartment we shared at the time. My visits to see her occur no more often than usually once a month. Sometimes, the intervals between our visits have been as long as three months. Usually on these visits I spend a day with her, and maybe, I might even stay the night. And these visits are nice because I can share with her the same emotional intimacy we had when we were together without the unreasonable expectations that she sometimes placed on me and the relationship. There is room for me to be myself. Of course, the reason she has released her unreasonable expectations is because she has given up hope of us ever being together in a committed relationship, a fact for which I am nearly positive she blames me for. She has constructed a narrative of our relationship primarily based on her misreading of my actions and motives. In her eyes, I am a inadvertent villian of self-centeredness. And this is where, for me, all of the sadness creeps back in.

And, yet. Despite the fact that she consciously and/or unconsciously blames me for our bad relationship, I cannot stop having deep feelings for her. I think about her just about every day. I want to be with her again and move back in with her. Intellectually, I know that nothing has substantially changed on the issue of her expectations, and the worst part of my depression could come roaring back the moment she expresses her frustration over things I cannot help. I can not be in that place ever again. But, I still want to be with her! How crazy is that? I objectively see this person filled with anger and blame towards me, and emotionally I want to be with her again. Is this love? It certainly feels like love to me. I love her in spite of her faults.

But then, during this last session with the counselor, I spoke about my position and how I came to be here, and it all seems to center on the disaster of our previous relationship. I lost so much personally because of it, and I am also left with serious emotional scars. Yes, I have had a tendency to depression my whole life. This is true. I saw one or two counselors even before my bad relationship began. But, I think the main reason I am still seeing counselors now is that I am trying to piece back together my life from the pain and catastrophe of that relationship.

It feels very unfair. She has a steady job and a house now. I lost my job and my graduate school career because I couldn't function under constant personal (physical, verbal, and emotional) attack. I had to move back in with my parents. I haven't found a steady job yet and am trying to get some "retraining" in a new academic field. I have spent so much time in school, my prospects for finding a well paying job capable of paying off my debts is constantly diminishing. I feel broken. It will take a few more years for me to "get back on my feet," but it will take even longer for me to get over what happened to me. Maybe the scars will never fade.

My life is dominated by mental illness (mine and others), and I hate it. I could say more about all of this here, but I think I have said enough, and frankly, it is just making me want to crawl into bed and try to go sleep as a way of forgetting (albeit very temporarily) this whole thing.

A year later

2006-03-04T16:21:00.000-08:00

It has been well over a year since I have posted here, and many things have changed. I have been in counseling for several months working on getting better personally. I am starting to realize that I am automatically programmed to sacrafice my own needs, wants and desires for other people, especially if the other person is angry and unhappy. Of course, the angry or unhappy person is not always right to be angry and unhappy, nor is it always necessary for me to give up something to "fix it." Intellectually, I suppose I knew this all along, but the emotional reaction to the situation was the problem all along. It always just felt right to avoid the hassle of someone else's anger by giving up a piece of myself. Oh, and duh, the prozac I am now on is helping too. I hve future goals of regular exercise and improving my diet so that I continue to feel better, but those things are down the road. Right now, I am still pulling myself out of the emotional well I had fallen into for the past couple of years. I feel I am nearly out.

No Audience for the Last Act

2005-01-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, well, it finally happened. She left me about a couple of weeks ago. As one could tell from all of the previous posts, it had been something that we had both been building on for a long time. After the fights came the despair, which built up into even more pain, which led to the ultimate breakup, which, ironically, we both did not want, but then again, could not prevent.

A couple of things have helped me out a little. The first is which is a counselor which has been helping me see my need to please people and prove to others that I am a good enough person to be liked. My childhood experience had been such that I did not get much encouragement or support from my parents. Therefore, I developed a cloying need for it, something which I transferred to my girlfriend. Most of our arguments went along the lines of her accusing me of something untrue or irrational, and then me hotly protesting either I did not intend to do "A," or if I did "A," I did it with the best intentions. This kind of discourse all led to my feeling like there was two of me. One, which I experienced, was a basically nice guys who had a few problems, and two, the "me" she experienced, was the devil incarnate who made demand after demand.

I know that she has her own issues, and I knew that I had mine, but I never suspected that we would not be able to figure out some way to meet in the middle. I always thought that if both people were sincere and wanted things to work out, they could work out their problems enough to be happy with each other.

The weird part of the breakup is that we can still find time to talk with each other on the Internet through instant chatting. And she has spent most of our chat time together blaming me for her unhappiness at her choice to leave me, which, it should be pointed out, was her choice. At the time, I begged her to stay and protested I still love her. She persisted in leaving, claiming that she had to. Now, I am just beginning to feel that maybe I can start-over with my job and sort out my life with a lot less drama. At least, I hope so.

Choices

2004-10-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

I have not posted on here for quite some time, but I figure this is as good as time as any. My girlfriend went to Hawaii for two weeks, and then spent another week with her family, so I have been by myself for about three weeks. And during that time, I have been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship.

I have painted an extremely negative picture of how things have been in the past because I usually posted an entry only when I was emotionally hurt or upset about something. When things were going good between us, I wouldn't post anything--mostly because I didn't think of it, partially because I didn't have time. I wonder if having this blog is a dishonest thing to do and hurts the relationship more than it helps me. My girlfriend says that it is not healthy for us to have secrets from each other, and this something that the counselor echoed. The three weeks apart have helped me see that in some ways, my girlfriend has been healthy and good for me (and to me). This is not a portrait that I have painted here.

For the past couple of months, things have really been better between us. I think that my girlfriend has been trusting me more and has been less likely to accuse me of something that I haven't done, or be upset with me for minor things. I credit the counselor that we saw over the summer. The counselor helped shaped some of the issues for me so that I am more clear about what I am responsible for and what I am not, for what I need to feel bad about and for what I don't. We also talked about her issues. I got some perspective about where she was coming from, so I could see some things as not attacks, but as insecurities and pains she has. For awhile, whenever my girlfriend had a minor frustration or even be in slightly bad mood, I would immediately get upset and begin assailing her with my own issues that were bigger than life.

Yet, even though things have been much better since the counselor, the time apart has been good in that it has given me some space to really think about what I want in this relationship. I believe that the time has come for me to make a decision about the relationship in one way or another because progress is desperately needed for us both to be healthy. Although I haven't decided what to do yet, I think I must either ask her to marry me or move on. Some of it depends on how we get along during the rest of the year. If this progress we have made is permanent, then I think there is hope for this relationship, and it is time for me to start thinking about beginning a family with my girlfriend. However, if things devolve into the way they were, I have to face the sad facts.

And while this may be the most difficult and inconvenient time for me to do this, I have to do it. I had to take a pay cut for the problems at work. (It is a miracle that they did not fire me.) Therefore, I have nearly no money to pay bills. My parents are loaning me some money for food. My car has been having intermittent breakdowns for which I have no money to make repairs. I am purposely not paying some bills that I need to, and I may have to take a second part-time job to get to the end of the year. It is the worst time to make a decision about the relationship. However, I have realized that I can't put it off anymore. These types of decisions must be made whether one is ready for them or not.

My opinions and thoughts about the matter constantly change, and I think that part of this is the human condition. The stream-of-consciousness novels that I read in college are a testament to the fact that the brain is always working and making choices. But, while my mind my change tomorrow on any or all of these issues, I do feel that I am drifting to a committed choice.

The End or Not

2004-09-17T23:30:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I last posted, I am not sure if should even bother continuing this blog. To be brief, I am still with my girlfriend, and yes things have continued to be up and down, but not as wildly down as in the past. Part of me wants to delete this blog and forget it even happened, but another part of me thinks I should keep it as a testament to the things I was struggling with during this period. I don't dare print it out for fear it might be discovered. Having it on the net is bad enough, but, if for some reason, you are a regular visitor to this weblog (which according to the statistics, you're probably not, as hardly anyone has ever read this), do not be surprised if it disappeared. I am giving myself some more time to think about it.

Another Fight

2004-08-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

We had gotten along with each other for the entire day. There were no fights, and I was beginning to feel like that we had turned a corner on our relationship. I knew that things were still not perfect, but our really serious fights had disappeared. I figured that we had the counselor to thank for that. He helped us see how we can care about each other, and how we can argue about things in a healthy, positive way.

But, tonight, even after a day that I felt pretty good about, we fought again--and this was one of the old fights, a serious one. It had started when she accused me of not wanting to answer the phone. I was trying to tell her that I was, in fact, going to answer but I had not reached it in time. I was in the middle of explaining when she cut me off, essentially saying that I was lying, and then she made a return phonecall. I was little shocked and very hurt. What had I done all day, if not try to make her feel good about herself and us?

Of course, I was upset and wanted to talk about it, but it devolved into a full blown argument when she refused to talk about any of it, and then claimed that I was trying to cover up for my own bad behavior. She is stubborn to the Nth degree, and so, if she does not want to talk about anything, she will not. There is nothing I can say, no amount of pleading with her that I can do, that will make her want to talk to me. I persisted though, and when I got really angry and started yelling out my frustration, she leaped in with how I was a yeller and that I should apologize for yelling. At one point, she tried to initiate an audio conversation with someone to "get a witness" to the fact that I did yell, as she feels that no one believes her that I can get angry. Let me just say that I have never denied to anyone--her, the counselor, her family, my family--that I yelled and got frustrated. I am more than willing to talk about my yelling problem with anyone who will listen. I am also willing to accept responsibility for it when I have to.

However, since I had yelled, that was what she wanted to talk about. Not anything of her bad behavior, since that was now off the table because of my own. And it is my understanding from the counselor, that when things are wrong, you need to talk about them to make it any better. At the very end of the night, she claimed that I needed to back off right now because she was so upset. I knew that, even though she had quit about a year ago, she was going to buy some cigarettes. I tried to plead with her not to buy them, but she would not listen to me. She strongly implied that if I really cared about her, I would leave her alone. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I would back down completely, not talk about anything anymore, and give her space, but only as a sign that I cared.

Her last request before she left to buy cigarettes was that I walk downstairs to clear her path of spiderwebs so she could get in the car and drive away. As she has a phobia with spiders, I complied, but I tried, in a rather feeble way I admit, to tell her that, despite my anger, I still loved and supported her. I'm not sure if it made any difference.

Last Session

2004-08-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day at our counselor's office, the last counseling session with him, and it was not our choice, neither one of us. Unfortunately, the counselor is moving to another state, and there is nothing that we can do about it. The catch here is that he was willing to see the both of us for couple's counseling, but he was willing to code it for insurance as one person. It will be difficult finding another counselor who would be willing to make the same arrangement.

As for the session itself, I thought it went pretty well. Of course, most of the sessions recently have focused on my anger, how sensitive I am to criticism, and how I can try to avoid hearing criticism when there is none, or not reacting as strongly to it when it is there. Frankly, because these patterns of behavior are so ingrained, I am confused about what to do or say. But, all in all, I am willing to try. I think that when I "own" the fact that I am an adult, ultimately accountable to no-one but myself, other people's criticism won't throw me so far off track. (I have also learned in these sessions that the corny lingo that counselor's use, such as "own," may sound awkward, it is the only way that I have of talking with my girlfriend in a healthy way. It also helps me to do all of the mental readjustments and internal work that I find challenging.

After the session, we went out to eat together. I thought that it would be good to share something together after doing something (for me) which was so difficult. She had to use the restroom when we first arrived, so thinking that I was taking the initiative, I ordered some onion rings and a chocolate shake. I figured that we would share them. However, when she got back, she was mad at me for not consulting her about the appetizer first. She was also concerned that I was spending too much money. I recognized that I probably should have asked her first, and I said as much, and apologized for it. However, my motivation was to be my own person (I like onion rings) and not wait for her permission to do so. I also thought that she might like them as well.

Slowly she began to get mad, and it is my opinion that when she gets mad, she begins to attack me and criticize. This is not an instance of me hearing criticism where there is none; she clearly was upset with my decision, and later, it comes out that she blames my mother for my being so screwed up. She says that is not fair that she has to suffer (by being with me?) for my mother's mistakes. She believes that I consider my mother an infallible person, capable of doing no wrong.

I have not, nor will I ever believe that my mother is perfect. However, I do like my mother very much, and when we talk about this, I get the sense that she wants me to bad mouth my mother so that she can feel good about herself. She uses my faults as weapons against both me and my mother. Then she demands that I swear loyalty to her. I try to defend both myself and my mother, just a little bit, acknowledging that she is an imperfect person. Big mistake. She gets so mad at me that she does not want to talk to me anymore.

Recently, by the grace of God, I got an extension from my boss to complete my work. I will not be fired if I can do the work and do it well. But, I absolutely need to honestly work on nothing but my reports for the next whole week. If I don't, then I need to look for another job, any job, rather quickly. When my girlfriend yelled at me for being a jerk who values his mother above all else, I thought to myself these things:

1) I am an adult, so I can be comfortable knowing that my mother is not a divine being, but also, no monster either. I can be confident in my feelings and emotions for my girlfriend. I can also I do not have to feel badly that someone else is attacking me for my feelings for my mother, or for my feelings about my girlfriend. I know I love both people.

2) I can feel upset for her behavior, but I don't have to own that behavior. I did not necessarily cause it, nor am I responsible for her feelings. I feel that my only emotional responsibility is to myself, and that means I must be honest with myself and how I feel.

3) I need to make choices that are right for me. While I would certainly love it if my girlfriend could be supportive of me right now, I know that, for myself, I need to complete this work for my job. Therefore, it is okay if I go to the office and work in the evening, even though my girlfriend is mad at me. Later, I can go back and talk, but only when she feels like talking to me.

Not everything has gone my way these last couple of weeks, but I think that I should feel lucky that I have learned, grown, and done a lot. I am sad that my girlfriend is frustrated, and maybe I should work on getting another counselor to see us, especially since she seems to feel that we talked more about me during our previous sessions than we did about her. I don't know. I do know that I wish she wouldn't be upset.

A Little Hope

2004-08-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

I fear that I may have chased off all of the readers of my blog away with my constant waffling about this relationship. But, I am afraid that I can't help it. The purpose of this blog was not for me to determine if the relationship was worth it, was something that I wanted to continue. It always was something that I wanted to save, to find some way to fix and make everything better.

I confess that I am a human being with human wants, needs, emotions, flaws, and limitations. I really want my girlfriend to be in love with me, as I am with her. Of course, what I want may be in direct conflict with what she really wants, and this is the thing that I find the most difficult to accept. Finding someone to love is not a matter of finding a human Lego piece, whose life fits perfectly on to yours. It is about working it out somehow, finding as many connections that you have, lacking those creating them, then strengthening them, and relying on them during the bad spots.

We've seen the counselor a couple more times, and I must admit I don't know how much it is helping me. I truly am struggling with some difficult emotions that make it hard for me to function sometimes. I come very close to crying, and then say I feel like it is all going to fall apart. The counselor prods: "what if everything did?" And I resist, "I'm not going to let it." And I won't. Not now. I have work that I need to complete first. I am fighting for my financial and career lives. There is no time to break down because I need to secure my obligations there. Otherwise, I have lost something dear to me that I have worked hard for during the last four years.

Today and yesterday were good days for our relationship insofar as we did not fight and we truly enjoyed each others company. She made me dinner, and I kept the house clean. We watched television together, joked together, and, probably most importantly, we were able to enjoy ourselves in the same house, but enjoy them apart. That being together, but doing separate things, is one of the most secure feelings that I have in the relationship. It is a feeling that I want to continue.

Of course, these two good days have come at the price of my job. Rather than do the work that I should have done, I spent it with her. I don't blame her for my spending time with her. Still, right now, a day before the deadline, I am regretting my choices. I should have spent it at work and done nothing else. I promised someone that I would, and now it turns out that I didn't. I don't know what the future will hold, but I am hoping that I haven't squandered all of my chances. I need to continue to have a little hope.

An Unraveling

2004-08-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Things are not going so good, and if anything has been incontrovertibly true for the last several months, if there has been any constant in this volatile relationship, it has been this: the relationship continues to become more unstable. This means that, while there have been tremendous highs lately, there have also been some heart-wrenching lows. Rather than the relationship languish in the pits of mediocrity like it had done a year ago, it has begun to degrade into a tailspin that makes both of us crazy, and frankly, very weary.

We are heartsick with all of the arguing, but it seems that now even the most innocent conversation can spark into a minor conflict or disagreement, which then explodes into a full blown, emotionally damaging argument.

We were discussing, of all things, a reality show this morning. Now, I generally hate reality shows, and I try not to give them any more importance they deserve. For me, the majority of reality shows prey upon people's very worst qualities and force them to humiliate themselves or each other for money and corporate ratings. But for some reason, this morning I began discussing what I thought was the bad behavior of one of the contestants on that one horrible FOX show. She disagreed with me on some basic points, and before we knew it, she was calling me names and leaving the room, I complained how I beginning to lose my ability to put up with this relationship anymore. Part of the problem was that I had earlier claimed that she was a little "high-maintenance," because she had very specific, rigid demands on how to do things, especially household chores. It was not a smart thing to do, and I later apologized.

But, I have to admit that, despite my claims in the heat of an argument, I really do want to have this relationship, just not the bad, recriminating, accusatory, nonsensical, hurtful, and spiteful part of it. I'm not unintelligent or fancifully naive. I know that in every relationship, even the really good ones, you have take the good with the bad. But it seems to me, and to her (if I understand her 100%), there is way too much bad here.

If we are trying to create a common heart out of love, we discover that there is not enough love to work with, enough from which to shape a life that gives each of us strength and hope in each other. There is plenty of fear and anger--plenty of doubt and suspicion, plenty of worry that any future we create together will not be one that we had painted for ourselves alone. I keep wanting to save what we have, but it seems like the harder I pull at the very threads that bind the tapestry of our lives together, to grasp all of the fraying threads in order to tie them back together again, the faster the tapestry unravels into a pile of loose and broken strings that are no longer connected to each other.

For the time being, things are at a relative truce. I am at work, and we both have space to think. We will both go to the counselor at the end of the week to hash out some of our most difficult and ongoing issues. I have also promised her that I will not automatically talk about leaving when things start to go bad, and she says that she will try not to angry at me for having an opinion. We both agree that it is okay to get angry about criticism and verbal attacks. I have apologized for my behavior this morning, and we have both rededicated ourselves to avoid falling back into that trap. Of course, while the pain in both us of us could be talking louder than anything else, we have both come to a point where we realize that this relationship may have to end sooner than later, and we have to accept (I have to accept) that there may not be anything more that I can do to save it.

Less Stressful

2004-08-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

This morning, after I dropped her off at work, I went to the bookstore to sell some books because I needed the money. Unfortunately, out of a box of about fifty books, they would only take one, a small one. Therefore, instead of getting about twenty bucks, like I had hoped, I wound up with fifty cents and a box of books that I don't quite know what to do with yet. From the bookstore, I drove to our bank and deposited money in our joint account to pay our rent for this month. Money has been extremely tight all around and that has been just one more thing to the list of things that makes things so stressful for the both of us.

However, ironically, I think that things in our relationship are getting less and less stressful as we continue on with it. We are making our way through the problems that have been dogging us for a long time. I am beginning to think that if we can maintain the relationship as we have had it for the past couple of weeks or so (minus the couple of setbacks), we might actually be able to make a real go of things. We both still have our flaws, but I think that we have been recently helping each other cope with them rather than get overly frustrated by them for our own selfish reasons.

Of course, the reason for this new light in our relationship is our meetings with the counselor helping us. I am beginning to realize just how much my self-esteem was trampled upon as a child. All of the criticisms, judgments, and "getting-in-trouble" for unclear reasons have taken their toll in ways that I was not (and still not 100%) aware of. To this day, my relationships with authority figures, like bosses, are still inflected with all of those old associations. My parents were well-meaning people, but my mother had some problems that she could not help but passing on to her kids. I don't blame her because I care about her very much and understand her position better than most.

But, when it comes to my relationship with women, especially this one, my strategy was to please without question and without regard for myself because of my childhood experiences. When arguments would occur, I would not stand up for myself or say what I really wanted. Instead, I would try and figure out how to change my behavior so as not to anger her anymore. I feared making a decision because I thought it might be the wrong one. And if it was wrong one, would she get upset and leave me? For a long time, I believed that she would. This shrinking and pulling back that I would do made me a ghost in my own relationship. My girlfriend says that, during our the first year of our relationship, I did not get mad or irritated even once despite her belief that I had several good reasons for being so. She was frustrated that did not have more of personal presence in our relationship. She felt that I was making her responsible for everything that we did together.

Now, all these years later, I feel that I need to learn how to 1) not get as upset as can when things go badly for me personally, and 2) be able to say no, disagree, and stand up for myself without going to the other extreme and being a jerk. Number two on that list may be the hardest thing I have had to do in years, because I have no conception of how to practically do this. I have always associated asserting yourself in this manner with being a jerk, when in fact it is a quite healthy thing to do. I realize that this is also an issue that other people do not have to struggle with like I do.

For example, when she calls me a name, rather than say "you hurt me with that name-calling and I want you to stop," I would instead say something like "why do you always do that?" Then, I would try to intellectualize and rationally prove that her behavior was bad, to try and force her through an argument to apologize, rather than speak up for myself and control my own emotions and responses. I guess I feel that I have finally been introduced to my right to have and do what is "right for me," a cliche for sure, but one that is nevertheless true. This does not mean I have to be a jerk, but it does mean that I need to tend the garden of my heart a little better than I have been. I feel reintroduced to my inner life again, and although I did not want to lose it in the first place, I've only realized that it had been missing for a couple of years.

One of the things that I think that I may need to start doing again is meditation. I know that this may sound a little new-agey, but it is something that I have done in the past as a teenager, and when I was doing it, I was able to develop a reasonable sense of calm that carried over into my daily life. If I start meditating again, I think that I can get back in touch with who I am and what I want for my own being. It might also help me maintain control, but still in touch with, my emotions, to keep a balance that will help me through the personal tests that are sure to come again.

Critical Argument

2004-07-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

When she returned that weekend, things were indeed tense. She had her mother with her because she was going to have a minor procedure at the doctor's office the following Monday. Therefore, we could not talk about my irrational behavior until Tuesday, when she was done with her procedure and feeling a little better. However, we cleared the air and agreed that I was not acting my best and that I shouldn't do that anymore.

Of course, when we went to the counselor the following day, he suggested that my behavior, while not an appropriate way to handle stress, was the result of some difficult realizations that were a result of my previous session with the counselor. I have difficulty saying what I want or what I need, and I am evasive when I am asked direct questions about said wants and needs. Therefore, I have often been trying to please my girlfriend by behaving the way I thought she wanted, especially during the first year of our relationship, which pretty well meant that I wouldn't get mad even though I may had a reason to.

For the better part of the last week, things have been fine between us, and I think we're over my outburst. We've enjoyed several nice dinners together, and we have even gone out. I have also been getting my work done, which has been a good thing because I am still in danger of losing my job, but I have more hope that I can keep it than I did before.

Still, there are problems. For example, there is the issue of argument drift. While we don't have the 'knock-down-drag-outs' that we used to, we still find occasion to argue about things. The sessions with the counselor are the days which we argue least, and then every day following, we argue a little more and more.

Tonight, she made typical statements about how the majority of men suck. I agreed that there are a lot of sexist men out there, but not all of them are bad. She then pointed out some of my personal hobbies and suggsted that they are juvenile. I suggested that interest in the kinds of things I pursue are not exclusive to men. But because I was contradicting her or disagreeing, she began to get irritated. I don't know if she realizes that she gets irritated when I disagree with her.

I think I am coming to the realization that I really don't want this relationship. I get bossed around too much, and I am not allowed to have my opinions about things. Everything that she wants to talk about is a political issue which I am not on the right side of, and my emotions are not as valid as hers. At least this is how it feels. There still are nice moments between us, but don't know if they can cancel out all of other stuff anymore.

Big Trouble and Anger

2004-07-23T02:04:00.000-07:00

So...I really blew it this morning. But, as always, I need to give little back story.

She has several conferences that she has to attend as part of her job, about a couple every few months. So, as she was really busy on Wednesday getting ready to leave, she couldn't attend the counselor meeting like we normally do together. However, even though she couldn't go, I still went. I needed to talk to the counselor about why I was not getting my work done. It really might have to do with something other than the relationship. The counselor gave me a little bit of hard time because, as everyone has been telling me, they can't force me to make any changes. I have to want to change myself. (By the way, I know that this is classic psychologist wisdom, and that it is a cliche, not to mention the punchline to a couple of jokes.)

The way he suggested that I motivate myself was to think of myself in terms of mythology or heroism. I have a dragon that I need to slay in the work that is left to do, despite my ongoing ever-deepening personal problems. Therefore, I need the courage of a hero to get through my dark moments, and fighting my through the pain, achieve what I know needs to be done.

However, this morning rather than find the courage I need to find, I took the exact opposite choice. During the late afternoon, she called me from her conference to talk to me about her day. It was a normal, and okay, maybe even a little sweet phonecall. After all, she just wanted to talk to me and find out how I was doing. Before she left, she had told me that she has realizations about just how much she loves me, but only when she is away on these kinds of trips.

However, after I had told her that I been home all day and awake since 8:00 a.m., she asked me how come I did not pick up the phone when she called me at 9:00 a.m. I told her I didn't know, and that I might have been in the shower. However, I am also a little annoyed at her because these kinds of questions makes me feel like she is checking up on me. I don't say anything more, but she isn't satisfied with my answer "I don't know, and I can't remember." For her, there must be a reason, and that, somehow, I do recall. She keeps asking me where I was and how come I did not answer the phone. Getting angrier, I tell her I don't know. I am pretty sure that her insistence on the question is a result of her being suspicious of me: am I being faithful to her. Knowing this, that any little innocent thing can turn into a full blown episode of her mistrust concerning my faithfulness, makes me angrier and more upset. I tell her that I am getting upset; and then I tell her that I want to talk about something else, and that I do not want to answer any more of her questions. She persists in asking me.

At this point, I really lose it and say some mean and horrible things. I start yelling to the point that I am sure the neighbors can hear me. Part of the reason why I am so on the edge is because I haven't got any work done, but I know that this is not an excuse for my behavior. Anyway, I way overreact, screaming at her at one point to "shut-up and listen to me!"

Of course, this is one of my worst moments, and she naturally hangs up on me. I am not surprised, but the next fifteen minutes, I still don't care. But then with some distance from the event, I begin to calm down. I realize that I stepped way out of line, and even if I was upset at her accusations, I should never have yelled at her or raised my voice. Surely, there was another way, a more appropriate and mature way, to handle the situation.

I had tried to call her back about 10 more times. The first three phonecalls were made when I was still angry, so I left messages that were more angry demands that she call me back. The next seven or eight phonecalls were remorseful apologies for my behavior and pleas for her to call me back. Yet, despite all of these attempts throughout the day, she has not called me back yet, and I am doubting that she will anytime soon. I hope that she will call me tomorrow, but I'm not going to count on it.

I have to say that it is my firm belief that I screwed things up with her. I took a potential ally, someone who could help encourage to get my work done, and I turned her into an enemy. Even though I told the counselor that I had some of my work done, I really haven't done any of it. To top things off, I have just received a $1000 dollar bill in the mail asking me to pay for something that I did not know I needed to pay for. I don't have the money, nor do I know where I can get it. Tomorrow, I will make more of an effort to really get my act together. Today, I don't fully know what happened or why I did what I did, but I do know that I screwed up big time.

Behind in Work

2004-07-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am very much behind in my work right now, but taking advice from the counselor, I am not going to complain about it and try to shift the focus on the relationship. When I think about how far behind I am in work, I can no longer say: "The reason why I am having trouble at my job is this relationship." While it is true that relationships do affect you in every aspect of your life, it is also true for me that I need to learn how to develop some personal "grown-up" responsibility and recognize that there are other decisions that affect my ability to get the work done.

For example, one of the things that is preventing me is my feelings about the toughness of the work. Perhaps in my desire to write a perfect report, combined with the recognition that the report is far from perfect, I have found an excuse not to work. I have paralyzed myself. Another thing that affects my ability to get work done is my poor time management. There are times during the day when I can work on the report, but for some reason, I don't. Then when I need to devote time to the relationship, I complain that I can't get my work done. The counselor pointed out that this is unfair to my partner.

As for the relationship itself, I am trying very hard to learn that my partner will never be perfect, and that I shouldn't expect her to change very much. She is, right now, pretty much as she will be in the future. The various minor arguments or disagreements we have right now will continue into the future. Yet, maybe counterintuitively, this recognition is somewhat liberating. Rather than feel that something has gone wrong with the relationship when she gets upset, rather than feel that I must figure out a way to adapt somehow so we avoid arguments, I can confidently feel that her imperfections are manifesting themselves and believe that they don't have anything to do with me. This realization, of course, is rooted in my love for her. I realize I can love her, but believe she is wrong and say so. I know I can make decisions for my own best interests which may run counter to what she wants or desires. I am committed to not being selfish, but I am also committed to being fair to myself. To that end, I will be working all day today. I know that this might upset her, but it is something that I have to do in order not to be fired in mid-August. We shall see what happens.

Counseling Session

2004-07-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

One of the things that has recently come out of the couples counseling sessions that I have been going to is how I "give up my power" to my partner, or to other people. For example, when I said that I was depressed about being dressed down by my superiors a couple of months ago, and then further explained how that incident has made me feel even less motivated to complete my work (all of which is true), the counselor pointed out that I had given my superiors the power to derail me. He says that I should understand that their opinions or that incident does not explain me as a person, or describe my worth as a person.

While this kind of advice may seem blatantly apparent to an objective outsider, I was not aware that I was allowing that to happen to me. I realized a couple of things: first, I do my best to avoid other people's negative feelings, and second, I need to take responsibility for how I want to lead my life, and try not to blame other people for preventing me from doing so. While I still feel that it is true that other people, and sometimes circumstances, force you into positions you'd rather not be in, you always have the power to decide how you want to respond to it.

It was most upsetting to realize that I was seeking other people's approval and that I wanted to avoid their bad moods, angers, or frustrations. The counselor observed that maybe the reason for this is that I recieved a lot of anger and criticism as a child from adults, especially my parents. While I love my parents, this is true. I know my parents have their own issues, and that they still do, but they did yell at me a lot, and may be they yelled too much, especially for things that weren't my fault.

When I left this most recent counseling session after making these realizations, I realized that I had an unexplained anger towards the counselor himself. And I am mature enough to know that this may have more to do with the fact that he may be right about all of this more than any other reason. During the last two days, I have used this realization to help interact with my girlfriend. Although she has been angry at me for what I think are silly reasons, I have not let it affect me as much as it would have before. I think that, in some ways, I really am making some progress and that the time and money that I have invested in counseling is actually helping me out.

Saturday Market vs. Work

2004-07-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we went to the Saturday Market, even though I had a ton of work to do at the office. But, I need to give you some background first. On Thursday, I met with my boss to discuss my current problems at work, and why I have missed several important deadlines. It was explained to me that I needed to have all of my outstanding reports completed by August 5th; otherwise, if I couldn't finish the reports before then, I should start looking for other work and a new career.

On the one hand, I should have seen this meeting as an absolute blessing because the boss would have been within rights to fire me right there on the spot. Yet, on the other hand, I was depressed and humiliated by the meeting because I had to explain why I had messed up in the first place, and explain why I thought that things would be better in the future. Other than lame excuses, I couldn't really point to anything tangible that would prove my reliability to the boss. I half didn't believe I could really turn things around myself, despite my desperate desire to. After the hour-long meeting, I took a long walk around town to figure out what I needed to do to save my job, and how I was going to reorient my priorities. If I lost my job, there still was no guarantee that I could also keep my relationship. It has been, and still is, on the rocks. Therefore, getting fired from my job is a lose-lose situation. If I lost the relationship and kept the job, even though I would be devastated, I'm sure I could still recover enough to move on.

So, at our couple's counseling meeting, because I was stressed out about my job situation, we launched into a discussion about how I felt the relationship takes away time from my getting stuff done at work. Of course, the counselor suggested that no one could work as long as I was proposing I should because everyone needs a break now and again. (I had wanted to spend every day for the next four weeks working from dawn 'till dusk doing nothing but work.) The counselor suggested that I divide up my time between work and the relationship, taking the necessary breaks I need with my girlfriend in order to take care of the relationship itself and not get "burned out."

This seems like good advice, but I still have a problem with it. First, I am in crisis mode, and it is hard for me to think about much else without feeling some degree of anxiety about work. Second, it seems to me that, when I do take breaks with my girlfriend, for one reason or another, the break extends to the whole day, and I wind up getting nothing accomplished. Half of me wonders if, somewhere, deep inside, my girlfriend doesn't want me to succeed. If I get fired, in some weird way, that means that I will not have something else in my life that takes attention away from her--perhaps she thinks that, if I get fired, I will focus entirely on her and her needs.

This is where the Saturday Market comes in. I had promised her awhile ago that I would go to the Saturday Market with her, and we talked about this at the counselor's office. At the time, with some help from the counselor, it seemed that this would be a good compromise. This was an example where I would not focus too much on work and invest time in the both of us. However, just like I feared, this trip was not a break within a day, but it took the whole day. That night, there was no time left over for working on my reports because the house needed to be cleaned, things needed to be put away, and dinner had to be cooked. By the time 10:00 p.m. rolled around, I was too tired to get anything more done.

Today, Sunday, I am back at work trying to bang out a report that has the new deadline of tomorrow. My boss is expecting the first report on her desk sometime on Monday. While I am glad to be at work trying to catch up, I regret the time lost yesterday, and I am hoping that the time I spend here today will not become the topic of an argument that we have tonight. It seems to me that, in a perfect relationship, people sometimes support their partner when they know he or she has a problem that needs to be worked out. I hope that this is something we can learn how to do for each other, because, I am sad to say--I need that support right now. I'm trying not to be selfish, but on the other hand, I don't want to lose my job.

The Good and the Bad

2004-07-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

I debated about whether I should post this, but I figured that one of the functions of this blog is to provide me with a kind of physical record and a measure of objectivity when considering the various aspects of this relationship. Often, in the midst of things, it is easy to forget what happened a week or two ago.

We took a trip out east into the desert because she had some work to do there, and I figured that if we were going to work on the relationship, then we needed to be together. I have to say that two out of the three days were not really good days. I personally did not get much work done, and she was in a bad mood. And, of course, when she is in a bad mood, she directs most of it at me. Some of it is normal relationship stuff, and some of it is deserved. I can be a little cranky when I'm hot and frustrated. Of course, some of it is her negative outlook on things, and part of it is the context of the whole relationship. It is hard to think that things will be okay in the future if so many things have not been great in the past. Her car was overheating in the desert and that put some stress on both of us. Frankly, at the end of our trip, I was looking forward to being home and getting back to work.

On the first day back home, things were pretty much still strained between the two of us, especially since I had spent most of the day at work. However, on the second day, after spending the morning together, we worked together the whole day doing household chores. We needed groceries, we needed to make dinners for a couple of days, we needed to do laundry, and we needed to clean the house. For the most part, we got along and even had fun together. We watched some of our favorite television shows together, and she made me something cool to drink as something nice to do; it was a "just because" thing.

Today has been pretty much the same, we spent most of the day together having fun and finishing other chores. Again, we made dinner together, and I think that is one of the positive things that is going on in our relationship. Previously, I had told her that I don't like it when she calls me name when she is angry, and during minor flare ups of frustration these past couple of days, I have seen her catch herself from calling me a name. That effort on her part meant a lot to me.

Later the same night, I returned to work to try and complete some projects for an important meeting on Thursday. In fact, this is the area that concerns me most right now. I really need to have all of my ducks in a row by Thursday afternoon for the meeting with my boss. I'm already in some trouble, but I'm hoping that the boss will be able to help me sort most of it out. We'll see.

Tomorrow, we see the counselor again. Those days are always difficult for the both of us, but I still think that they are helping. I'm hoping that the counselor will be able to help get some perspective on the bad days we had this week and provide us with some advice on how to extend the good days.

Some Good Stuff

2004-06-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, after some bad stuff, there has been some good stuff during the last couple of days. She admitted to me that when we were apart she decided that she was going to break up with me after the summer was over and after she had fulfilled her own obligations to a job that she has here in town. I had reached the same conclusion in my own way. Most of the advice here has been that I should run, not walk, in the other direction and never look back. For all intents and purposes, our relationship was over.

However, I have to say that, while I felt a little relieved when she was gone, I feel that things are going pretty good since she has been back. We are taking it one day at a time, and consequently, things feel less stressful. Perhaps the change in perspective, the break from each other, was something that we needed to get back on track. The counseling session that we had this week has also helped. The counselor has suggested, aside from the fact that we both seem to be working pretty hard to keep things together, that she has been giving me a lot of authority for control of her feelings. Rather than ask herself what she can do to make the relationship better, she looks to me to fix things, and when I don't or can't, she gets irritated at me and correspondingly becomes depressed or upset. Therefore, even though she might have legitimate reasons to be mad at me in certain areas, for now, the counselor suggests that she should focus on herself for this week and see what happens.

Now, we have a trip out east for the next couple of days. Something we have planned for awhile and have already pre-arranged. Although I should be focusing on work, I think that this trip should be okay for both of us. I'm looking forward to traveling over the mountains and being in the desert. Perhaps the change of scenery will re-energize me and make the work I need to do go more quickly. We'll see what happens. I should be back on Saturday, and will try to post a couple of days after that.

A Night Alone

2004-06-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

My emotions, while not intense, are a mess. I have a dull and mild sense of panic tonight that I am not sure are rooted more in my fears about losing my job, or my distress at the state of my relationship. Perhaps, it is rooted in both equally.

Like I mentioned in the last post, she is out of town for a trip that she planned before our most recent argument. However, she has not called me since she has left, and that is a little unusual, especially since she blocked the couple of phonecalls I tried to make yesterday. I assume that she does not want to talk to me, but to be 100% honest, I'm not sure that I really want to talk to her either. I wish she would call me and apologize, but I'm certain that it is she who feels slighted, so I will not receive any kind of apology at all. And of course, it really isn't the behavior that I want the apology for. An apology, any kind of apology, would indicate to me that she has some concern about my feelings, some desire to want to set things straight.

So, while I am supposed to be working on the report that is way overdue in order to keep my job, I am feeling strange. Intellectually, I know that this relationship is bad, and while I desperately hope that things will get better, I must admit that there is a chance that they won't. Emotionally, I am trying to hold on to what I would call "the sure handle." I can't describe it any better, except to say that if I lose my grip on that handle, and if I let my emotions go, I will be less able to do what I need to in order to survive these next few months.

Fighting again.

2004-06-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

Who was is it who said that "happy families are all alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own unique way?" I am paraphrasing here, but I think I've got the gist of the quote. However, I happen to think the statement is reversed. Whenever you hear someone tell you about their bad relationship, it all sounds the same. The pain never changes, but the moments of delight are each unique.

It is hard not to feel bad about being in a bad relationship. I constantly think of our good times together, and hope that, like a ghost, those good times will continue haunt me. However, all I have now are ghosts. This last week, despite seeing a counselor, has been spent in depression and misery. Except for the few moments when we are both watching television together, our emotional pains numbed by the electronic opiate, we have been depressed and frustrated with each other. She seems to be more frustrated with me, but that is because she imagines and assigns more bad motives to me than I to her. I know I am not a perfect person, but if I were half as bad a she claimed, I would have to remove myself from human society and live in a cave somewhere. I know in my heart that I am not a bad person, but when someone who is in as much emotional pain as she tells you it is all your fault, it is hard not to question your own sense of yourself. The emotional ground you stand on becomes soft and loose, and you lose your equilibrium.

Lately, she has expressed her belief that I am not as physically affectionate as I used to be. This happens to be true, but my reason for it is because of the recriminations and arguments we keep having. It is difficult for me to want to rub her back just after she has told me that I am insensitive, physically unappealing, slob. She also claims that I am withholding intimacy with her to exercise control in this relationship and to compel her to do what I want. This is categorically untrue. My ultimate goal for the relationship is for us to be completely equal, where each expresses our needs to each other verbally. Yet, when I deny her accusation, it becomes more true for her. I have found that in order to fight for equality, I occasionally have to stand up for myself, even if I know it will lead to an argument. The consequence for not standing up for myself is to drown in a deeper sea of misery than the one in which we are already immersed.

Last night, after some half-teasing taunts to each other about the need for affection, we went to bed together. This was unusual in that for most of the week she has slept on the couch because she was mad at me for one reason or another. She wanted me to help her relax by rubbing her belly. But as I usually initiate the affectionate touching, I wanted a change. I asked her if she would rub my back. She became agitated and frustrated. I'm not 100% sure why. I asked again, saying that I felt it was unfair that I usually have to satisfy her, and not occasionally having it the other way around.

Inexplicably, she rolled over on top of my body and pressed her forearm into my neck. I found it a little difficult to breathe, but I did not panic. In fact, I found that I was little mad. Frequently, I think to myself that her anger or unhappiness is a kind of corrective on my behavior. If she doesn't get what she wants, she will make me and herself miserable until I apologize or do something to mollify her. I am finding that approach increasingly hard to deal with. I think that the complete irrationality of her behavior made me calmer because I knew that in this instance, most of the issues were hers. (Let me repeat, however, that I know I am not a perfect person.) Eventually, she rolled off of me and started to cry frustrated and angry tears.

As I was a little mad, I began to ask her what she was doing and why she was acting that way. Why not just be the first person to offer some affection once in awhile. She has told me that it is the man's role to be assertive, and normally, I don't have a problem being so, even if I find her rationale a little sexist. Still, men need love too, to feel a little reassurance. When I asked her to rub my back, she began to hit it with her fists. As my voice raised a little trying to convince her of the absurdity of her actions, I once again asked her to be the first to offer some affection. Still crying, she shouted fine and again attacked me. It was not a pleasant experience. I grabbed the blankets and told her I was going to sleep on the couch.

I spent the next hour listening to her cry in the next room. I was little scared because I thought, well if she can do what she did in the bedroom, what else is she capable of. Although I did not want to fall asleep before I knew what she was going to do, I nodded off about an hour later. She stayed in the bedroom all night, eventually going to sleep herself.

When she awoke in the morning, she began packing her bags and getting ready for a trip by herself that she had already planned before we had our argument. I awoke when she was in the shower, and for the next thirty minutes, until the time she left, she said less than fifteen words to me, good morning not being among them.

I've since tried to call her on her cellphone, but she was blocking my calls. Consequently, it seems fairly certain that it is only a matter of time before we break up. Although it was something that I haven't wanted to happen, it looks as if I may not have a choice. On top of everything else, I have received a letter from my boss saying that if I do not file an extension on the reports I am working on, I will lose my position at the company. For the next two weeks, I am going to focus on nothing else except work. If I lose my job, I will lose everything--both her and my career. If I can hold on to my job, I have a shot at keeping the whole thing together. It is my only option at this point.

Over the weekend

2004-06-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, we were having a relatively good time. Even though I continue to remain behind on work, we decided that it would really pay off to take some time out for the both of us and go camping on the coast. Needless to say that I have been having a large amount of trouble getting going on the work front, and things in that regard are still as clear as mud.

For the most part, the trip the coast was pretty good, and the camp site that we chose was practically deserted. Everything was pretty good, but for the most part, she was bossing me around. She didn't want me to help her make the fire, to make the food, to unpack the car, or practically anything else. I would try to do any one of those things, but she told me that I was doing it wrong. Frankly, I was beginning to get a little frustrated about it, but I felt that I would try to stay out of her way to keep things going well. Unfortunately, my frustrations starting seeping out in the form of sarcasm. When she noted that I was being grouchy the next morning, I told her it was because I felt that she was being really bossy. I pointed out, except for the tent, I had not been allowed to do anything without her approval or permission. I told her it upset me and made me feel like a child.

Of course, her reaction to this was to get upset herself. Like she does when I confront her with my feelings and point out how I think she is at the heart of the trouble, she gives up. She stopped what she was doing and went back into the tent to go to sleep. There wasn't much left for me to do after that. We had planned on taking a walk together, but it looked like that wasn't going to happen. So, after standing around looking bewildered for awhile, I also went into the tent to lie down. It had been cold the night before and neither one of us had got any good rest. Yet, my taking a nap wasn't acceptable to her. After I had lay on the sleeping bag for about five minutes, she wordlessly got up and went to the car. She tried to sleep in the passenger seat. I knew my presence was aggravating her, so I accepted the reality of the situation, went outside and told her that I was going to go for a walk by myself. I figured that she would return to the tent and sleep there, where it would be much more comfortable.

I found a nearby trail through the coastal forest that eventually led up to some very large dunes. The environment here was interesting because this was the overlapping border between sand and forest. I climbed the tallest dune, sat in the sun, and thought about my circumstances. I even prayed as devoutly as I could, imploring God to help me out with this relationship. Nothing I do seems to be right, seems to be acceptable to her, and I feel that I sacrificed a lot because of my desire to be with her. (Note: sacrifice is a hot button word in our relationship. I can't use the word, without her thinking that I am trying to vaunt myself over her, or imply that she hasn't made any sacrifices at all. I see us as equals, and I know she has made many sacrifices.) I also called my family from the top of the dune, something which was barely possible because of its height. I needed to talk to people who did not think that I was an unrepentant jerk.

Over an hour later, I climbed down and walked my way back. She had indeed gone back inside the tent to take another nap. I recognize these naps. They're naps people take when they are extremely depressed. I myself had taken a few of these kind of naps. I knelt beside the tent, and she awoke to look at me through the mosquito screen.

We talked about the future. She told me that she had some things that she just could not compromise on. I listened and tried to tell her why I was frustrated about what had happened. I said that I felt like I do not have an equal role in the relationship, that everything centers on her. She said she would like to have baby in the next couple of years. I'm not sure how I feel about this, especially since she will not likely have menopause for another twenty years. We both agreed that we need to have a solid relationship first.

Basically, it all boiled down to this: we have until the end of the summer to determine if this is good relationship or not, then if things are good and we decide to stay together, we work on having a kid and I work on getting a new job to support her. Once with a kid, she will quit work for a couple of years, and somehow, we will be a happy couple. I'm not necessarily opposed to this, but as I told her, the details are the issue. What does a good relationship look like, when will we know, what are the key indicators?

It has been a couple of days since our coast trip, and we have a new thing to argue over. She and I wasted the other day being mad and upset at each other. She took another nap, and despite my asking her several times if there was anything I could do to help her out, to make her feel better, or even if I could get her a cup of coffee, she would not talk to me. This feels over the top. I know we have problems, and I know I'm not perfect. But when she gives up on us, especially when I have the specific complaint about our daily interaction, I feel helpless and, yes, a little bullied.

Suspicion and the Future

2004-06-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

While the counselor has helped us get some things back on track to the point where I feel that we are starting to make some progress, she has returned to talking about the summer as our last chance to get things right. She says that she wants us to figure out something to move things forward. However, the problem is, while I whole-heartedly agree, I also believe neither one of us will be able to assess what kind of progress we could make that will indicate that our future together will be assured.

Often, it seems like what she wants is for me to agree unreservedly to her vision of the future. If I don't agree on which things will occur or how they will develop she will get very unhappy with me and say things aren't working out. If I agree to do what she wants, if I eliminate my own personality, preferences, and tastes, and focus solely on her, then things are going great. And If I don't agree to a particular course of action, then she doesn't know if she can continue with our relationship. For example, I've already been told that the future "kids" will be schooled in an alternative educational system, that we will live in a certain town near her family, that her family will act as babysitters, that I need to take two years off of my job plans so she can focus on hers, that we will eventually buy a home at the coast, and we will have dog. While I don't mind doing some of these things, it bothers me that I don't have a say, and that I can't meet my needs while meeting hers. What about spending time with my family, or being near them? Are there compromises that could be made where we both get what we want? These are questions that we don't discuss without having an argument. If I say what I want, then I am an obstruction to her plans.

Frankly, I find this a sophisticated form of manipulation because if I disagree, then I am painted as a bad guy who doesn't want the relationship to get better, or worse, I don't really care about her or the relationship at all. Actually, I am struggling to find a balance between me and her where I feel good about the relationship because I know that it doesn't me I have to give up everything.

And, honestly, there are still two major issues in our relationship that I am grappling with. The worst of which is her constant suspicion of me. If I mention another woman's name in passing (for instance, if I mention a conversation I had with co-worker), she becomes fiercly suspicious that I am having an affair. This really bothers and upsets me, and among other things, it is beginning to make me feel like a child. It's as if I have to prove my loyalty to her all of the time, and explain where I have been or what I was doing. She watches that awful show Cheaters and then says things like: See, other guys do it all the time. What makes you so different?

The flip side of this particular coin is how, when I ask her if she really trusts me, or if I tell her that somewhere, deep down, she must really love me, she disagrees. To be fair, I really think she does care and is just trying to protect her emotions and not be vulnerable to me, but I have to say that, despite my understanding, I find it bitterly ironic and unfair. While she demands proof of my loyalty constantly, and I tell her she has it (and she really does), she can't offer any in return. I get no reassurances.

This morning a telemarketer called, but it was the sneaky kind of telemarketer who asks for someone else to get your guard down and doesn't say they're selling something. So, I said: "so-and-so does not live here, sorry." The voice on the other line says "well, what's your name?" I laugh because this is an odd and presumptive question, so I say "um, well, I'm not gonna tell you." The voice giggles and says, "well I would tell you mine, heck I would give you my driver's license number, but I guess that wouldn't be wise." Voice then launches into her speech about saving on windows, and I hang up the phone after declining.

She had been standing in the kitchen during the conversation and overheard my end of it. She asks me: "who was that?" I say nobody. She says "was it a female?" I tell her that it was. She then accuses me of flirting with the telemarketer, with my offending laugh being her prime evidence. I am confused. Don't people flirt to get some kind of positive attention? I clearly did not want the telemarketers attention (who really does?), and I was irritated at the telemarketer's deceptiveness before launching into the sales pitch. But when these kind of ridiculous assertions are made about my flirting, I am completely at a loss. Similar accusations have happened often, especially if things are not going well between us at the moment. I don't know what to say. And, I am completely at a loss as to how to respond without it seeming like a guilty denial.

A Tough Day

2004-06-14T00:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a major low moment in our relationship, and it has been hard for me to get going on the things I need to really focus on. The report that is due for work is still not done yet, but I haven't yet heard from my boss or the accounting department, so I'm not sure if things are irreparably damaged. I think that there may be a chance that I can salvage my job and continue to work here at the company. Of course, if I do manage to pull it off, the next task here at work will be trying to find a way to salvage my reputation. I'm hoping that the investment that company has made in my training makes me too valuable to fire.

Anyhow, yesterday morning my plan was to go to work early and finish the report. But when I woke up, I sensed that she was unhappy about something. Although she did not say anything, she had a frown and was in a bad mood. I can tell she is in a bad mood when she gives me monosyllabic answers to my questions. I decided that whatever was wrong, it would be more important to get to work. However, as a last attempt to cheer her up, I thought I would show her that the local cat was sleeping on the towel she had laid out for it the other day. I figured it would make her happy to see that her gesture was being appreciated by the cat. It was a super minor thing, but as she was not talking to me, and as I had to leave the house, I thought it would mean a little something.

This was when she got off the couch and started yelling at me for being a jerk. She was not much more specific, but I soon found that she was unhappy because I had not been as affectionate as I used to be. She was feeling neglected. Of course, my problem is that because I feel under emotional attack from her most of the time, I don't feel much like being affectionate. Her thoughts and feelings are a minefield that I constantly have to navigate my way through to avoid upsetting her. It's hard to feel attracted to someone who scares you a little with their behavior.

My problem was that I had to leave, and I couldn't respond the way I wanted to. I issued a hurt denial to her accusation of being a jerk, and went to my car. But as I walked to the parking lot, I became increasingly angrier and angrier. I felt that her attack just as I was leaving the house was a kind of sabotage. She does not want me to do well at work, or she simply does not care that I do well. Maybe she is jealous of the time I spend there, or maybe she is tired of hearing how I need to focus more of my time there and need to spend less time with her. In either case, I was really upset.

So I did something I shouldn't have. I went back to the house, opened the door, and yelled at her. I won't go in the details of our argument, who said what, or what was said. However, I can say that I was upset. She shut down emotionally and went to lie on the bed. She was extremely upset because I was so inappropriately angry. She covered her ears as I yelled out my frustrations. It felt as she was emotionally running away from me and that made me a little angrier.

Try as I might, I could not get her to listen to me. Eventually, I calmed down and apologized. Even though she was still not listening to me, I poured out the reasons why I was frustrated with her. My main conclusion is that I need to not her behavior get me so off track in the future. Even though I want to respond to her attacks and accusations, I need to give myself some time to do it appropriately. She accuses me of being the most horrible person in the world, and I feel I must say something then and there. I need to talk, but she doesn't want to listen. We disagree about some fundamental things. I suppose I could try waiting at least thirty minutes before responding to her again in order to give me some time to cool down.

Once she started listening again, and after I had apologized numerous times for yelling, we made up. I tried a few of the listening techniques that the counselor had suggested we try. Even though the techniques make our conversations sound stilted, and even though it feel "forced" when I do it, it seemed to help. At least it convinced her that I was hearing what she said. That helped bring the tension down a quite a bit. Soon, she apologized for her earlier behavior as well. Of course, even though we made up and felt a little better about the relationship and our future, I lost a lot of potential working time. It is nearly one a.m. in the morning, and I am at work trying to get this report done by Monday morning.

My ultimate goal is to have the report in my bosses email in the next few hours. It will be quite a challenge, but I may be able to do it. Of course, I need to be careful not to spend too much time at the office because she will begin to get mad at me. Every time I spend too much time away from the house, she asks me if I am cheating on her. The accusations are frustrating, and they are, in my view ridiculous. After all, if I am having so much trouble with the relationship I have, why on earth would I try to seek another out. This experience has almost put me off relationships altogether, and if we ever did break up, it would be a very long time before I felt like getting in another romantic relationship with someone, if ever. Still, with help from the counselor, there might be hope for us. Lord knows we've tried just about everything else. (Here's hoping that I finish the report soon.)

P.S. I needed to write this blog post right now, instead of working on my report because I needed to get this out. Thinking about it distracts me from the work. Also, typing about something that is personal helps me get in the mode for typing the report. Everything about this report feels forced, but I will get it done. I absolutely have to if I want to avoid getting in trouble with the accounting department.

At Work Right Now

2004-06-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

Currently, I am at work right now, and I have a problem. I need to write a report that is due in the next three hours, and I have not comitted anything to paper. My problem consists in the fact that I have had the last several months to work on this report, and that it needs to show about two more weeks of work that I haven't done. This is the report upon which my job hinges on. If I don't complete it right now, and if it is not a stellar report, then everything that I have worked on during the last year, and worked towards for the last five years, will have been for nought.

Here's the major paradox: I don't have any motivation to get it done. Because I feel that I am so behind, I feel a little helpless. The conscious thoughts I have run along the lines of "what is the use?" There's no point. Every time I look at the words on my research, I freeze up. Everything blends together, and I cannot focus anymore. Still, despite the fact that I am sabotaging myself for some reason, I still feel the rising panic at not having worked on this report. I will have to face the music really soon, and it will not be anything that I will feel pleased about. I don't understand why these things have to be so hard.

Maintaining

2004-06-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

I should be doing my work, but instead, I figured that I would take a little time to update how things are going between me and her. So far this week, we have not really argued much or had any fights that has resulted in anything that would be concerning. The only thing that still remains that has been a minor irritation for me is the constant suspicion. She will still ask me if I am, have, or will cheat on her. I don't know why on earth she keeps asking me; despite all of our problems, I would never cheat. If I really felt like I wanted to go out with another person, I would definitely break up first. I really would. Ironically, all of the bad experiences that we have had together does not make me want to cheat, but rather makes me want to give up on all relationships ever. Why should I subject myself to another potentially abusive relationship?

Tomorrow, we'll see the counselor again, and I plan on talking about her jealousy. I suspect that we'll also talk about some of my negative issues that affect her. This was what the counseling session was leading up to at that point, so we'll see what happens.

Counseling

2004-06-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

I may not lose my job like I supposed, but I won't know for sure until the end of the next couple of weeks. On a better note, we saw the counselor last Wednesday, and it really seems to have helped. During the week before this one we had done nothing but argue on the phone. However, this week, we have been nice to each other and giving each other the kind of moral support that we both need. I think that the counselor has been giving us insight into our respective personalities that help us understand each other in way that was hard before. All of the emotional baggage that has built up between us solidified into a crust covering our hearts. Having the counselor helps us to scrape that stuff off. My girlfriend hasn't been as angry with me as she has been before, and I haven't gotten nearly as upset when she expresses minor (and this time appropriate) frustration.

Surprisingly, one of the things that has been coming out of our sessions is that I am emotionally unavailable in our interactions and that I can avoid answering questions that are diectly put to me. I avoid both my girlfriend's questions and the counselor's. In fact, the counselor says that I do it rather nimbly and subtly. I think that this might be the result of having to protect myself from previous emotional and verbal attack. However, the effect of this is that I don't address her needs, or consider her needs as important as mine. I'm really doing my best to give these counseling sessions an honest shot, because as I said during the last visit, I really want the two of us to be a healthy couple. I am going to invest the whole of myself in hope in order to have good returns over the summer.

Losing My Job

2004-06-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

Unless I can figure out some kind of miracle. It seems fairly certain that I am going to lose my job over the whole thing. I'm not happy about it, but there's nothing that I can do about it either. I meet with one of my supervisors today to discuss whether or not I have any options. I also am going to see the counselor today, but I don't know if she is going to show up today or not. She's indicated that she may not.

Shere Khan and The First Date.

2004-05-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

While working at a job that I hated with the core of my being, I decided that I needed to get out more. Twelve hour shifts, six days a week, at a factory that cared little for me except whether I was on time or not, sick or not, or whether or not I caused any problems was drowning my soul. This was my first introduction to the world of work.

Still, there was some kind of hope. I had some friends in town that I would make a point to visit on the rare occasion I had a day off. My friend, Shere Khan, and I shared a love of television and computers. And because we were mutually bored on our days off, we visited each other to enjoy our hobbies with some pizza and beverages. As it happened, Shere Khan and I had both known her from a few years back, and because she lived in town, it seemed natural to call her up and invite her over to hang out. It didn't take long for me to become enchanted with her. (See post Knowing Love.) Soon, my desire to hang out with Shere Khan transformed into my desire to hang out with Shere Khan so we could invite her over to hang out.

The three of us developed the habit of hanging out in coffee shops to talk about things that seemed very important back then. Perhaps all young people talk about such things in a way that always seems novel, but is really foolish. Most of my excitement at hanging out together was the anticipation of being with her. I would sneak stares at her from the corner of my eye and tried to engage her in conversation. Frequently, because we were younger, our conversation turned toward relationships, and I would usually describe myself as the most understanding, gallant man a woman would ever hope to meet. But, the reality of the situation was that I used Shere Khan to be with her, not so gallant an action after all. The few times that she couldn't hang out with Shere Khan and me were deeply disappointing, and I don't think I hid my disappointment well. Shere Khan must have suspected that I was just visiting him to be with her. I still feel a little guilty about that. I haven't talked to Shere Khan in over three years, and the reality of the situation is knowing that perhaps I never will.

However, during those times, I often had the chance to talk with her as we were both leaving to go home. When midnight or 1:00 a.m. rolled around, we said goodbye to Shere Khan, whose apartment was the common meeting ground for us three, and then she and I talked to each other as I escorted her to her car. These talks grew longer and longer, until one night, we noticed that day was beginning to dawn, and that we had stayed up the entire night talking in the parking lot. The depth of my love for her was evident by the fact that I did not get tired talking to her, even though I generally like to go to bed pretty early. I was intoxicated by her presence, her attention. The excitement of talking with her was all I needed to keep sleep away.

Of course, this increasing attraction for her was becoming more intense, and it made it hard for me to concentrate on anything else. I am not normally a bold person, but I decided to visit her at her house and ask her out on a date. And of course, this is what I did. She was shocked when she opened the door, but she tells me that once she saw me standing there, she knew what I wanted. Initially, she was guarded when I told her how I felt, but she agreed to go out with me and I couldn't have been happier. If I could go back and do things over again, the only thing I would change would be the level of formality in our first meetings. For instance, I would have brought flowers and spent about $100 or more on our first real date. I now know she would have liked that, even if it might have made her more suspicious. Still, I cherish these memories.

Doubts

2004-05-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

Last night, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I was feeling a little panicky, so I called her. After telling myself in this blog and my head that I should leave her, I started to feel that I would miss everything about her. It is a hard acknowledging that the relationship I invested in so much needs to end. I started to feel like I put way too much of myself, my inner being, into this to have it end. How do you say that a major part of the last four years of your life has been an experiment that did not work out? As I have shared my life with her, she has shared hers with me. I don't want to lose those four years. Staying together would mean the bad stuff would probably continue, but breaking up would definitely mean that there'd be no more good stuff together. Breaking up would close a chapter of my life once and for all. Am I acknowledging my reluctance to admit a personal failure? I keep searching for some sign or find a Midas touch that will turn this relationship into the emotional gold that I want.

On one of the websites I read the other day, it mentioned how breaking up an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult. It observed that breaking up is akin to quitting an addiction, like smoking. I don't want my feelings for her to be like an addiction, and I am not sure about the comparison. Is it like an addiction just because it is bad for you? How are general feelings of love (the good kind) not a type of addiction either. Numerous peoples and poets throughout history talk about the intoxication of love. If I am addicted to her, then is that the good addiction "love" that is struggling against some bad things, or is that something else?

Except for my insecurity about not hearing from her, the phone call I made went relatively well. We have been apart for the last week so she could get some work done, and she seems to be getting a lot of it done indeed. Frankly, I expected her to be irritated at me, but for the most part, she wasn't. I bracing myself for a phantom. In fact, she sounded good. She sounded like she was having a good time. Therefore, my whining (my conception of it, not hers) about the relationship and my fears brought us both down, so I dropped that line of conversation. This morning, she IM'ed me just to say hi. It was a nice thing to do. So, all of this has thrown me off a little.

Of course, one of the things that I should have mentioned, but haven't yet, is how we are seeing a relationship counselor. We have only been to a couple of meetings. However, one of the things that the counselor has said stood out for me the most. When my girlfriend asked him if he thought this relationship had any potential to be thing we both wanted, the counselor said something along the lines of "it is good for two people who love each other to try and discover how to make a life together." Perhaps, with more counseling, this is something I should stick with and try to make work. I think, during the summer, I will try and read up on some issues of abuse. I like reading anyway. I am going to assume that the more informed I am, I'll have a better chance at sorting this whole thing out. Today, for now, I am going to focus on getting work done so I can keep my job.

No Phonecalls

2004-05-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

We have been apart for more than a week. Initially, I thought that this was great idea because I felt that it would give us the appropriate distance to assess the relationship in a neutral light. Predictably, the conclusion that I came to was, despite my love for her, this relationship is abusive and probably needs to end. I really don't want to have the person I love spit in my face during an argument because I happened to express how unfair I think things are.

As the week had dragged on, I have only talked to her on the phone twice, both times I initiated the phone call. These calls were a lot like the others. Although things start out pleasantly enough, I can always already hear the irritation build up in her voice after fifteen minutes because, she says: I did not call earlier, I am enjoying the time away too much, or I'm not really listening to her on the phone. It is hard to defend myself against the last two accusations because they are almost always untrue, and other than say "I'm not" or "I didn't," I haven't found a way to convince of the truth. (All bad relationships wind up being some kind of cliche. I know. Everything that one can say in these situations, I have already said one hundred times: "Unless you live in my head, you can't know that; I'm not a mind-reader; If you wanted me to help you or know that, you have to tell me." See. Cliches, every one of them.)

The first accusation (of not calling earlier) perplexes me because, for the majority of the relationship, I, apparently, am the one who has the sole responsibility to make all of the phone calls. This week is a prime example. Although we have been apart for a week, she has not called me once. I wonder if the lack of a phone call from her is another form of (minor) abuse. For example, despite my saying "please call me," or "why don't you call me once in awhile," she doesn't call. When I finally do call, she gets mad at me for not calling earlier. Then when I bring up the fact that I make all of the phone calls, she cites the few instances when she called first, asking why aren't I more grateful.

Of course, things haven't been great for her in this relationship either. She wants me to be another person, someone I can't be, because I can't figure out who that other person is, and she can't tell me. And believe me, both of us have tried to figure it out. Her fears of being alone and not being able to find someone to have a family with, a primary goal of her life, latched on my fears of being alone. I think this is largely what propelled us into this relationship.

The reason I am writing all of this now is because I am starting to feel some anxiety about her not calling. She knows things are bad too. During our last conversation on the phone, she indicated that the conflict in our summer plans were going to be a problem. She didn't explain, which leads me, as a guy prone to worry, to think that she wants to break up. I know that in some ways a break-up might be the best thing for the both of us. On the other hand, I have spent the majority of the last several years being in love with her, doing fun things, spending time together, and making plans together. When I think of her leaving me, I feel a queasiness that and lightness in my chest that is hard to repress. The head knows one thing, and the heart is crying out for another.

Knowing Love

2004-05-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

I had known her for a long time before I had the courage to even ask her out. We happened to be on a trip with three other friends. We were all at Pike Street Market in Seattle. For out-of-towners who rarely have the opportunity to visit Seattle, it was a beautiful and exciting place to be. She had wanted to buy some flowers for the other friends that we were visiting in Seattle, while our other friends from Portland went off on their own, perhaps to look for music CD's.

I remember watching her bend over some purple irises to smell them. I stood about four feet away from her, so I had an entire picture. The flowers had been spritzed with water from an automatic watering system immediately before we arrived, and the cool mist still hung in the air. Everything about that moment enchanted me about her. Her thoughtfulness in buying flowers for our friends, the cool mist that hung in the air that felt like the breath of the flowers themselves, their subtle fragrance, the sound of the crowd and the ocean nearby glinting with light. Not to mention how gorgeous she appeared, especially at that moment. Her oval face, long brown, curly hair, delicate rosy hands, and her long skirt captivated me. Rarely do I have quick moments where I instantly know something, that I decide to take a course of action. Mostly, decisions and understandings grow with a warming intensity that I ignore until it burns and I can no longer stand it anymore. But that exact moment with the flowers is when I fell in love with her. I knew then that I had to convince her that I was the perfect guy for her.

Biggy Baloo

2004-05-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first post of this particular blog. I have two other blogs that friends and family know about, but I felt the need to have a blog that was anonymous to those who know me. Having an audience that knows you involves the social pressures that restricts what one wants, or feels the need, to write about.

My initial conception for this blog is that its purpose will be to help me figure out, through writing, my own internal psychological mechanisms that make me who I am, or how I've made the choices that I have made.

I've fallen into a bad and abusive relationship. I have been hit, scratched, had water thrown at me, spit upon, and belittled during the last six months. Also, I am a man, and according to segments of society, this is not supposed to happen to men. Of course, it shouldn't happen to women either, but the sad fact is: it does happen. And it happens to people regardless of gender.

Part of my problem is that I really love the woman who does this. I think that I can see where this behavior comes from, and despite everyone who says that you cannot make the other person change, I still hope that time will change things. The thing that I tell myself is that since I'm not the one who is directly advocating for a change, but am rather hoping for time to change things, I'm not like all of the others. Time has indeed changed things, but not for the better. My girlfriend is still beautiful; she is still incredibly intelligent; and she has some terrific virtues. However, the relationship dynamic brings out her worst side, and sometimes, mine.

I haven't been the perfect exemplar in the behavior department. I can get pretty angry about the whole situation. And on a couple occasions, I have yelled really loudly because anger got the better of me. Once, after being ridiculed and put down for thirty minutes because I had not done something she asked--a thing that I felt I could not help--I started yelling and quickly became angrier and angrier. Then, as we were in the car, I hit the dash a couple of times with my open hand and broke one of the air vents. I believe this was immediately after she pinched my face so hard as to draw blood, but to be completely honest, I don't remember. I was so upset that I did not realize I was bleeding until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. There were three dime sized wounds on my face. I barely felt the pinch when it happened because our argument raised my adrenalin. Also, it should be noted that I sat with both hands on the wheel and let her pinch. When the scratches healed over, they were apparently nothing large enough to draw the attention of either one of our families. Still, although I broke the dash mechanism, I have never hit or kicked her--nor do I call names. All are things which she has done, the latter, name-calling, frequently.

I suppose that I should break up with her, but at times, I really, really don't want to. I want things between us to be better. But, I also know that I am not the person I want to be. I am distraught, unhappy, and worried about the direction of our relationship. Frequently, I find myself asking what went wrong and why we can't be happy. The future plans that she describes for us is not really the one I want, but may be the one I convince myself that I should take. I'm afraid I'll wind up doing it.

Furthermore, my job is pretty much in jeopardy because of this thing, and I may get fired. I don't want to be, but I don't think I have much of a choice at this point. It is almost out of my hands altogether. These next two and a half weeks will be clincher. If I'm going to be fired, I'll know in three of four weeks. She will say that it is not her fault that I haven't done the things I should have at work, and partially, she would be right. I could have made better decisions. I could have not let this affect my work as much as it has. But I also feel that the fact remains that, when one is in a bad relationship, it is hard to feel motivated to do the things you should at the level and competence which are required. It affects you whether you like it or not.

According to this list here, I experience the feeling of having to walk on eggshells to keep her from getting angry sometimes, she resents it when I spend any time with my family, I go along to get along, and I've stopped expressing opinions because of her reactions. I also found things on other "signs of abuse lists" that indicate I'm in a bad relationship. I could go on into other details, but so, probably, could every other person in these types of circumstances could. So, I'm going to leave it here for now.

(The last thing that I'll say is that she does not know about this blog, and I have mixed feelings about it keeping this a secret from her. I'm afraid she'll find it and it will be another thing to argue about. Yet, I know keeping secrets is not exactly the path to a great relationship. However, I also know that I have no forum to work out my problems, so I am turning to the Internet and this blog and am using them both as a type of mirror. I hope that in these reflections, the truth and an healing answer will shine out at me from the shadows of broadening depression.)