Biggy Baloo

Welcome to the first post of this particular blog. I have two other blogs that friends and family know about, but I felt the need to have a blog that was anonymous to those who know me. Having an audience that knows you involves the social pressures that restricts what one wants, or feels the need, to write about.

My initial conception for this blog is that its purpose will be to help me figure out, through writing, my own internal psychological mechanisms that make me who I am, or how I've made the choices that I have made.

I've fallen into a bad and abusive relationship. I have been hit, scratched, had water thrown at me, spit upon, and belittled during the last six months. Also, I am a man, and according to segments of society, this is not supposed to happen to men. Of course, it shouldn't happen to women either, but the sad fact is: it does happen. And it happens to people regardless of gender.

Part of my problem is that I really love the woman who does this. I think that I can see where this behavior comes from, and despite everyone who says that you cannot make the other person change, I still hope that time will change things. The thing that I tell myself is that since I'm not the one who is directly advocating for a change, but am rather hoping for time to change things, I'm not like all of the others. Time has indeed changed things, but not for the better. My girlfriend is still beautiful; she is still incredibly intelligent; and she has some terrific virtues. However, the relationship dynamic brings out her worst side, and sometimes, mine.

I haven't been the perfect exemplar in the behavior department. I can get pretty angry about the whole situation. And on a couple occasions, I have yelled really loudly because anger got the better of me. Once, after being ridiculed and put down for thirty minutes because I had not done something she asked--a thing that I felt I could not help--I started yelling and quickly became angrier and angrier. Then, as we were in the car, I hit the dash a couple of times with my open hand and broke one of the air vents. I believe this was immediately after she pinched my face so hard as to draw blood, but to be completely honest, I don't remember. I was so upset that I did not realize I was bleeding until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. There were three dime sized wounds on my face. I barely felt the pinch when it happened because our argument raised my adrenalin. Also, it should be noted that I sat with both hands on the wheel and let her pinch. When the scratches healed over, they were apparently nothing large enough to draw the attention of either one of our families. Still, although I broke the dash mechanism, I have never hit or kicked her--nor do I call names. All are things which she has done, the latter, name-calling, frequently.

I suppose that I should break up with her, but at times, I really, really don't want to. I want things between us to be better. But, I also know that I am not the person I want to be. I am distraught, unhappy, and worried about the direction of our relationship. Frequently, I find myself asking what went wrong and why we can't be happy. The future plans that she describes for us is not really the one I want, but may be the one I convince myself that I should take. I'm afraid I'll wind up doing it.

Furthermore, my job is pretty much in jeopardy because of this thing, and I may get fired. I don't want to be, but I don't think I have much of a choice at this point. It is almost out of my hands altogether. These next two and a half weeks will be clincher. If I'm going to be fired, I'll know in three of four weeks. She will say that it is not her fault that I haven't done the things I should have at work, and partially, she would be right. I could have made better decisions. I could have not let this affect my work as much as it has. But I also feel that the fact remains that, when one is in a bad relationship, it is hard to feel motivated to do the things you should at the level and competence which are required. It affects you whether you like it or not.

According to this list here, I experience the feeling of having to walk on eggshells to keep her from getting angry sometimes, she resents it when I spend any time with my family, I go along to get along, and I've stopped expressing opinions because of her reactions. I also found things on other "signs of abuse lists" that indicate I'm in a bad relationship. I could go on into other details, but so, probably, could every other person in these types of circumstances could. So, I'm going to leave it here for now.

(The last thing that I'll say is that she does not know about this blog, and I have mixed feelings about it keeping this a secret from her. I'm afraid she'll find it and it will be another thing to argue about. Yet, I know keeping secrets is not exactly the path to a great relationship. However, I also know that I have no forum to work out my problems, so I am turning to the Internet and this blog and am using them both as a type of mirror. I hope that in these reflections, the truth and an healing answer will shine out at me from the shadows of broadening depression.)