No Phonecalls

We have been apart for more than a week. Initially, I thought that this was great idea because I felt that it would give us the appropriate distance to assess the relationship in a neutral light. Predictably, the conclusion that I came to was, despite my love for her, this relationship is abusive and probably needs to end. I really don't want to have the person I love spit in my face during an argument because I happened to express how unfair I think things are.

As the week had dragged on, I have only talked to her on the phone twice, both times I initiated the phone call. These calls were a lot like the others. Although things start out pleasantly enough, I can always already hear the irritation build up in her voice after fifteen minutes because, she says: I did not call earlier, I am enjoying the time away too much, or I'm not really listening to her on the phone. It is hard to defend myself against the last two accusations because they are almost always untrue, and other than say "I'm not" or "I didn't," I haven't found a way to convince of the truth. (All bad relationships wind up being some kind of cliche. I know. Everything that one can say in these situations, I have already said one hundred times: "Unless you live in my head, you can't know that; I'm not a mind-reader; If you wanted me to help you or know that, you have to tell me." See. Cliches, every one of them.)

The first accusation (of not calling earlier) perplexes me because, for the majority of the relationship, I, apparently, am the one who has the sole responsibility to make all of the phone calls. This week is a prime example. Although we have been apart for a week, she has not called me once. I wonder if the lack of a phone call from her is another form of (minor) abuse. For example, despite my saying "please call me," or "why don't you call me once in awhile," she doesn't call. When I finally do call, she gets mad at me for not calling earlier. Then when I bring up the fact that I make all of the phone calls, she cites the few instances when she called first, asking why aren't I more grateful.

Of course, things haven't been great for her in this relationship either. She wants me to be another person, someone I can't be, because I can't figure out who that other person is, and she can't tell me. And believe me, both of us have tried to figure it out. Her fears of being alone and not being able to find someone to have a family with, a primary goal of her life, latched on my fears of being alone. I think this is largely what propelled us into this relationship.

The reason I am writing all of this now is because I am starting to feel some anxiety about her not calling. She knows things are bad too. During our last conversation on the phone, she indicated that the conflict in our summer plans were going to be a problem. She didn't explain, which leads me, as a guy prone to worry, to think that she wants to break up. I know that in some ways a break-up might be the best thing for the both of us. On the other hand, I have spent the majority of the last several years being in love with her, doing fun things, spending time together, and making plans together. When I think of her leaving me, I feel a queasiness that and lightness in my chest that is hard to repress. The head knows one thing, and the heart is crying out for another.