Doubts

Last night, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I was feeling a little panicky, so I called her. After telling myself in this blog and my head that I should leave her, I started to feel that I would miss everything about her. It is a hard acknowledging that the relationship I invested in so much needs to end. I started to feel like I put way too much of myself, my inner being, into this to have it end. How do you say that a major part of the last four years of your life has been an experiment that did not work out? As I have shared my life with her, she has shared hers with me. I don't want to lose those four years. Staying together would mean the bad stuff would probably continue, but breaking up would definitely mean that there'd be no more good stuff together. Breaking up would close a chapter of my life once and for all. Am I acknowledging my reluctance to admit a personal failure? I keep searching for some sign or find a Midas touch that will turn this relationship into the emotional gold that I want.

On one of the websites I read the other day, it mentioned how breaking up an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult. It observed that breaking up is akin to quitting an addiction, like smoking. I don't want my feelings for her to be like an addiction, and I am not sure about the comparison. Is it like an addiction just because it is bad for you? How are general feelings of love (the good kind) not a type of addiction either. Numerous peoples and poets throughout history talk about the intoxication of love. If I am addicted to her, then is that the good addiction "love" that is struggling against some bad things, or is that something else?

Except for my insecurity about not hearing from her, the phone call I made went relatively well. We have been apart for the last week so she could get some work done, and she seems to be getting a lot of it done indeed. Frankly, I expected her to be irritated at me, but for the most part, she wasn't. I bracing myself for a phantom. In fact, she sounded good. She sounded like she was having a good time. Therefore, my whining (my conception of it, not hers) about the relationship and my fears brought us both down, so I dropped that line of conversation. This morning, she IM'ed me just to say hi. It was a nice thing to do. So, all of this has thrown me off a little.

Of course, one of the things that I should have mentioned, but haven't yet, is how we are seeing a relationship counselor. We have only been to a couple of meetings. However, one of the things that the counselor has said stood out for me the most. When my girlfriend asked him if he thought this relationship had any potential to be thing we both wanted, the counselor said something along the lines of "it is good for two people who love each other to try and discover how to make a life together." Perhaps, with more counseling, this is something I should stick with and try to make work. I think, during the summer, I will try and read up on some issues of abuse. I like reading anyway. I am going to assume that the more informed I am, I'll have a better chance at sorting this whole thing out. Today, for now, I am going to focus on getting work done so I can keep my job.