A Tough Day

Yesterday was a major low moment in our relationship, and it has been hard for me to get going on the things I need to really focus on. The report that is due for work is still not done yet, but I haven't yet heard from my boss or the accounting department, so I'm not sure if things are irreparably damaged. I think that there may be a chance that I can salvage my job and continue to work here at the company. Of course, if I do manage to pull it off, the next task here at work will be trying to find a way to salvage my reputation. I'm hoping that the investment that company has made in my training makes me too valuable to fire.

Anyhow, yesterday morning my plan was to go to work early and finish the report. But when I woke up, I sensed that she was unhappy about something. Although she did not say anything, she had a frown and was in a bad mood. I can tell she is in a bad mood when she gives me monosyllabic answers to my questions. I decided that whatever was wrong, it would be more important to get to work. However, as a last attempt to cheer her up, I thought I would show her that the local cat was sleeping on the towel she had laid out for it the other day. I figured it would make her happy to see that her gesture was being appreciated by the cat. It was a super minor thing, but as she was not talking to me, and as I had to leave the house, I thought it would mean a little something.

This was when she got off the couch and started yelling at me for being a jerk. She was not much more specific, but I soon found that she was unhappy because I had not been as affectionate as I used to be. She was feeling neglected. Of course, my problem is that because I feel under emotional attack from her most of the time, I don't feel much like being affectionate. Her thoughts and feelings are a minefield that I constantly have to navigate my way through to avoid upsetting her. It's hard to feel attracted to someone who scares you a little with their behavior.

My problem was that I had to leave, and I couldn't respond the way I wanted to. I issued a hurt denial to her accusation of being a jerk, and went to my car. But as I walked to the parking lot, I became increasingly angrier and angrier. I felt that her attack just as I was leaving the house was a kind of sabotage. She does not want me to do well at work, or she simply does not care that I do well. Maybe she is jealous of the time I spend there, or maybe she is tired of hearing how I need to focus more of my time there and need to spend less time with her. In either case, I was really upset.

So I did something I shouldn't have. I went back to the house, opened the door, and yelled at her. I won't go in the details of our argument, who said what, or what was said. However, I can say that I was upset. She shut down emotionally and went to lie on the bed. She was extremely upset because I was so inappropriately angry. She covered her ears as I yelled out my frustrations. It felt as she was emotionally running away from me and that made me a little angrier.

Try as I might, I could not get her to listen to me. Eventually, I calmed down and apologized. Even though she was still not listening to me, I poured out the reasons why I was frustrated with her. My main conclusion is that I need to not her behavior get me so off track in the future. Even though I want to respond to her attacks and accusations, I need to give myself some time to do it appropriately. She accuses me of being the most horrible person in the world, and I feel I must say something then and there. I need to talk, but she doesn't want to listen. We disagree about some fundamental things. I suppose I could try waiting at least thirty minutes before responding to her again in order to give me some time to cool down.

Once she started listening again, and after I had apologized numerous times for yelling, we made up. I tried a few of the listening techniques that the counselor had suggested we try. Even though the techniques make our conversations sound stilted, and even though it feel "forced" when I do it, it seemed to help. At least it convinced her that I was hearing what she said. That helped bring the tension down a quite a bit. Soon, she apologized for her earlier behavior as well. Of course, even though we made up and felt a little better about the relationship and our future, I lost a lot of potential working time. It is nearly one a.m. in the morning, and I am at work trying to get this report done by Monday morning.

My ultimate goal is to have the report in my bosses email in the next few hours. It will be quite a challenge, but I may be able to do it. Of course, I need to be careful not to spend too much time at the office because she will begin to get mad at me. Every time I spend too much time away from the house, she asks me if I am cheating on her. The accusations are frustrating, and they are, in my view ridiculous. After all, if I am having so much trouble with the relationship I have, why on earth would I try to seek another out. This experience has almost put me off relationships altogether, and if we ever did break up, it would be a very long time before I felt like getting in another romantic relationship with someone, if ever. Still, with help from the counselor, there might be hope for us. Lord knows we've tried just about everything else. (Here's hoping that I finish the report soon.)

P.S. I needed to write this blog post right now, instead of working on my report because I needed to get this out. Thinking about it distracts me from the work. Also, typing about something that is personal helps me get in the mode for typing the report. Everything about this report feels forced, but I will get it done. I absolutely have to if I want to avoid getting in trouble with the accounting department.