Fighting again.

Who was is it who said that "happy families are all alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own unique way?" I am paraphrasing here, but I think I've got the gist of the quote. However, I happen to think the statement is reversed. Whenever you hear someone tell you about their bad relationship, it all sounds the same. The pain never changes, but the moments of delight are each unique.

It is hard not to feel bad about being in a bad relationship. I constantly think of our good times together, and hope that, like a ghost, those good times will continue haunt me. However, all I have now are ghosts. This last week, despite seeing a counselor, has been spent in depression and misery. Except for the few moments when we are both watching television together, our emotional pains numbed by the electronic opiate, we have been depressed and frustrated with each other. She seems to be more frustrated with me, but that is because she imagines and assigns more bad motives to me than I to her. I know I am not a perfect person, but if I were half as bad a she claimed, I would have to remove myself from human society and live in a cave somewhere. I know in my heart that I am not a bad person, but when someone who is in as much emotional pain as she tells you it is all your fault, it is hard not to question your own sense of yourself. The emotional ground you stand on becomes soft and loose, and you lose your equilibrium.

Lately, she has expressed her belief that I am not as physically affectionate as I used to be. This happens to be true, but my reason for it is because of the recriminations and arguments we keep having. It is difficult for me to want to rub her back just after she has told me that I am insensitive, physically unappealing, slob. She also claims that I am withholding intimacy with her to exercise control in this relationship and to compel her to do what I want. This is categorically untrue. My ultimate goal for the relationship is for us to be completely equal, where each expresses our needs to each other verbally. Yet, when I deny her accusation, it becomes more true for her. I have found that in order to fight for equality, I occasionally have to stand up for myself, even if I know it will lead to an argument. The consequence for not standing up for myself is to drown in a deeper sea of misery than the one in which we are already immersed.

Last night, after some half-teasing taunts to each other about the need for affection, we went to bed together. This was unusual in that for most of the week she has slept on the couch because she was mad at me for one reason or another. She wanted me to help her relax by rubbing her belly. But as I usually initiate the affectionate touching, I wanted a change. I asked her if she would rub my back. She became agitated and frustrated. I'm not 100% sure why. I asked again, saying that I felt it was unfair that I usually have to satisfy her, and not occasionally having it the other way around.

Inexplicably, she rolled over on top of my body and pressed her forearm into my neck. I found it a little difficult to breathe, but I did not panic. In fact, I found that I was little mad. Frequently, I think to myself that her anger or unhappiness is a kind of corrective on my behavior. If she doesn't get what she wants, she will make me and herself miserable until I apologize or do something to mollify her. I am finding that approach increasingly hard to deal with. I think that the complete irrationality of her behavior made me calmer because I knew that in this instance, most of the issues were hers. (Let me repeat, however, that I know I am not a perfect person.) Eventually, she rolled off of me and started to cry frustrated and angry tears.

As I was a little mad, I began to ask her what she was doing and why she was acting that way. Why not just be the first person to offer some affection once in awhile. She has told me that it is the man's role to be assertive, and normally, I don't have a problem being so, even if I find her rationale a little sexist. Still, men need love too, to feel a little reassurance. When I asked her to rub my back, she began to hit it with her fists. As my voice raised a little trying to convince her of the absurdity of her actions, I once again asked her to be the first to offer some affection. Still crying, she shouted fine and again attacked me. It was not a pleasant experience. I grabbed the blankets and told her I was going to sleep on the couch.

I spent the next hour listening to her cry in the next room. I was little scared because I thought, well if she can do what she did in the bedroom, what else is she capable of. Although I did not want to fall asleep before I knew what she was going to do, I nodded off about an hour later. She stayed in the bedroom all night, eventually going to sleep herself.

When she awoke in the morning, she began packing her bags and getting ready for a trip by herself that she had already planned before we had our argument. I awoke when she was in the shower, and for the next thirty minutes, until the time she left, she said less than fifteen words to me, good morning not being among them.

I've since tried to call her on her cellphone, but she was blocking my calls. Consequently, it seems fairly certain that it is only a matter of time before we break up. Although it was something that I haven't wanted to happen, it looks as if I may not have a choice. On top of everything else, I have received a letter from my boss saying that if I do not file an extension on the reports I am working on, I will lose my position at the company. For the next two weeks, I am going to focus on nothing else except work. If I lose my job, I will lose everything--both her and my career. If I can hold on to my job, I have a shot at keeping the whole thing together. It is my only option at this point.