Over the weekend

Over the weekend, we were having a relatively good time. Even though I continue to remain behind on work, we decided that it would really pay off to take some time out for the both of us and go camping on the coast. Needless to say that I have been having a large amount of trouble getting going on the work front, and things in that regard are still as clear as mud.

For the most part, the trip the coast was pretty good, and the camp site that we chose was practically deserted. Everything was pretty good, but for the most part, she was bossing me around. She didn't want me to help her make the fire, to make the food, to unpack the car, or practically anything else. I would try to do any one of those things, but she told me that I was doing it wrong. Frankly, I was beginning to get a little frustrated about it, but I felt that I would try to stay out of her way to keep things going well. Unfortunately, my frustrations starting seeping out in the form of sarcasm. When she noted that I was being grouchy the next morning, I told her it was because I felt that she was being really bossy. I pointed out, except for the tent, I had not been allowed to do anything without her approval or permission. I told her it upset me and made me feel like a child.

Of course, her reaction to this was to get upset herself. Like she does when I confront her with my feelings and point out how I think she is at the heart of the trouble, she gives up. She stopped what she was doing and went back into the tent to go to sleep. There wasn't much left for me to do after that. We had planned on taking a walk together, but it looked like that wasn't going to happen. So, after standing around looking bewildered for awhile, I also went into the tent to lie down. It had been cold the night before and neither one of us had got any good rest. Yet, my taking a nap wasn't acceptable to her. After I had lay on the sleeping bag for about five minutes, she wordlessly got up and went to the car. She tried to sleep in the passenger seat. I knew my presence was aggravating her, so I accepted the reality of the situation, went outside and told her that I was going to go for a walk by myself. I figured that she would return to the tent and sleep there, where it would be much more comfortable.

I found a nearby trail through the coastal forest that eventually led up to some very large dunes. The environment here was interesting because this was the overlapping border between sand and forest. I climbed the tallest dune, sat in the sun, and thought about my circumstances. I even prayed as devoutly as I could, imploring God to help me out with this relationship. Nothing I do seems to be right, seems to be acceptable to her, and I feel that I sacrificed a lot because of my desire to be with her. (Note: sacrifice is a hot button word in our relationship. I can't use the word, without her thinking that I am trying to vaunt myself over her, or imply that she hasn't made any sacrifices at all. I see us as equals, and I know she has made many sacrifices.) I also called my family from the top of the dune, something which was barely possible because of its height. I needed to talk to people who did not think that I was an unrepentant jerk.

Over an hour later, I climbed down and walked my way back. She had indeed gone back inside the tent to take another nap. I recognize these naps. They're naps people take when they are extremely depressed. I myself had taken a few of these kind of naps. I knelt beside the tent, and she awoke to look at me through the mosquito screen.

We talked about the future. She told me that she had some things that she just could not compromise on. I listened and tried to tell her why I was frustrated about what had happened. I said that I felt like I do not have an equal role in the relationship, that everything centers on her. She said she would like to have baby in the next couple of years. I'm not sure how I feel about this, especially since she will not likely have menopause for another twenty years. We both agreed that we need to have a solid relationship first.

Basically, it all boiled down to this: we have until the end of the summer to determine if this is good relationship or not, then if things are good and we decide to stay together, we work on having a kid and I work on getting a new job to support her. Once with a kid, she will quit work for a couple of years, and somehow, we will be a happy couple. I'm not necessarily opposed to this, but as I told her, the details are the issue. What does a good relationship look like, when will we know, what are the key indicators?

It has been a couple of days since our coast trip, and we have a new thing to argue over. She and I wasted the other day being mad and upset at each other. She took another nap, and despite my asking her several times if there was anything I could do to help her out, to make her feel better, or even if I could get her a cup of coffee, she would not talk to me. This feels over the top. I know we have problems, and I know I'm not perfect. But when she gives up on us, especially when I have the specific complaint about our daily interaction, I feel helpless and, yes, a little bullied.