Suspicion and the Future

While the counselor has helped us get some things back on track to the point where I feel that we are starting to make some progress, she has returned to talking about the summer as our last chance to get things right. She says that she wants us to figure out something to move things forward. However, the problem is, while I whole-heartedly agree, I also believe neither one of us will be able to assess what kind of progress we could make that will indicate that our future together will be assured.

Often, it seems like what she wants is for me to agree unreservedly to her vision of the future. If I don't agree on which things will occur or how they will develop she will get very unhappy with me and say things aren't working out. If I agree to do what she wants, if I eliminate my own personality, preferences, and tastes, and focus solely on her, then things are going great. And If I don't agree to a particular course of action, then she doesn't know if she can continue with our relationship. For example, I've already been told that the future "kids" will be schooled in an alternative educational system, that we will live in a certain town near her family, that her family will act as babysitters, that I need to take two years off of my job plans so she can focus on hers, that we will eventually buy a home at the coast, and we will have dog. While I don't mind doing some of these things, it bothers me that I don't have a say, and that I can't meet my needs while meeting hers. What about spending time with my family, or being near them? Are there compromises that could be made where we both get what we want? These are questions that we don't discuss without having an argument. If I say what I want, then I am an obstruction to her plans.

Frankly, I find this a sophisticated form of manipulation because if I disagree, then I am painted as a bad guy who doesn't want the relationship to get better, or worse, I don't really care about her or the relationship at all. Actually, I am struggling to find a balance between me and her where I feel good about the relationship because I know that it doesn't me I have to give up everything.

And, honestly, there are still two major issues in our relationship that I am grappling with. The worst of which is her constant suspicion of me. If I mention another woman's name in passing (for instance, if I mention a conversation I had with co-worker), she becomes fiercly suspicious that I am having an affair. This really bothers and upsets me, and among other things, it is beginning to make me feel like a child. It's as if I have to prove my loyalty to her all of the time, and explain where I have been or what I was doing. She watches that awful show Cheaters and then says things like: See, other guys do it all the time. What makes you so different?

The flip side of this particular coin is how, when I ask her if she really trusts me, or if I tell her that somewhere, deep down, she must really love me, she disagrees. To be fair, I really think she does care and is just trying to protect her emotions and not be vulnerable to me, but I have to say that, despite my understanding, I find it bitterly ironic and unfair. While she demands proof of my loyalty constantly, and I tell her she has it (and she really does), she can't offer any in return. I get no reassurances.

This morning a telemarketer called, but it was the sneaky kind of telemarketer who asks for someone else to get your guard down and doesn't say they're selling something. So, I said: "so-and-so does not live here, sorry." The voice on the other line says "well, what's your name?" I laugh because this is an odd and presumptive question, so I say "um, well, I'm not gonna tell you." The voice giggles and says, "well I would tell you mine, heck I would give you my driver's license number, but I guess that wouldn't be wise." Voice then launches into her speech about saving on windows, and I hang up the phone after declining.

She had been standing in the kitchen during the conversation and overheard my end of it. She asks me: "who was that?" I say nobody. She says "was it a female?" I tell her that it was. She then accuses me of flirting with the telemarketer, with my offending laugh being her prime evidence. I am confused. Don't people flirt to get some kind of positive attention? I clearly did not want the telemarketers attention (who really does?), and I was irritated at the telemarketer's deceptiveness before launching into the sales pitch. But when these kind of ridiculous assertions are made about my flirting, I am completely at a loss. Similar accusations have happened often, especially if things are not going well between us at the moment. I don't know what to say. And, I am completely at a loss as to how to respond without it seeming like a guilty denial.