A Night Alone
My emotions, while not intense, are a mess. I have a dull and mild sense of panic tonight that I am not sure are rooted more in my fears about losing my job, or my distress at the state of my relationship. Perhaps, it is rooted in both equally.
Like I mentioned in the last post, she is out of town for a trip that she planned before our most recent argument. However, she has not called me since she has left, and that is a little unusual, especially since she blocked the couple of phonecalls I tried to make yesterday. I assume that she does not want to talk to me, but to be 100% honest, I'm not sure that I really want to talk to her either. I wish she would call me and apologize, but I'm certain that it is she who feels slighted, so I will not receive any kind of apology at all. And of course, it really isn't the behavior that I want the apology for. An apology, any kind of apology, would indicate to me that she has some concern about my feelings, some desire to want to set things straight.
So, while I am supposed to be working on the report that is way overdue in order to keep my job, I am feeling strange. Intellectually, I know that this relationship is bad, and while I desperately hope that things will get better, I must admit that there is a chance that they won't. Emotionally, I am trying to hold on to what I would call "the sure handle." I can't describe it any better, except to say that if I lose my grip on that handle, and if I let my emotions go, I will be less able to do what I need to in order to survive these next few months.
3 Comments:
Okay, I'll bite: What's the point? Why stay with someone when you are miserable? There are billions of people on this planet. Most of them are women. Find another one. Life is better than all this. Run! Now!
- From the Voice of Experience (who is much happier and in retrospect can't believe I was so stupid to think staying was a good idea).
P.S. My friend says move out while she's gone.
I've been asking myself what's the point for the last couple of months now, and I guess that a breakup might be inevitable here.
However, the point is that when you start out wanting to share a life with someone, you never suspect that it won't really work out. Normally, hope that things will change into what I orginally imagined keeps me going.
Our lives are currently so intertwined together (on many levels) that considering a life without her is almost as painful as trying to figure out how to work out our problems. I know that this probably explains nothing, but the real problem is not an intellectual one, but an emotional one. To be frank, I guess I have to say that, while logically I can still see how things will likely turn out, my heart won't let me make any changes for fear that somehow things will work out.
They won't work out. If you keep it up, things will be as they are. I realize that standing in the middle of it all, you can't see it, but as an outside observer, all I can say is, "Run!"
It's kind of like watching a movie and seeing that the guy who looks friendly and kind is really evil, but none of the other characters can see that and are overlooking the coincidences so they are giving the bad guy all the information. The viewers are sitting in their seats saying, "No! No!" but the characters continue on in their dangerous mode.
I'll tell you something. I was involved like this once and thought my heart would break even worse if I called it quits, but the reality was, that it didn't. In fact, I was surprised that I felt a whole lot better having said, "This is enough. I will no longer be involved with you" than wallowing in constant abuse and misery. The person has since then tried to make contact and I've just refused. It is wrong to continue on. This person is addicted to control and abuse. It will not change. It will not change. It will not change.
I think you should take the advice of the earlier poster and make moves to make a break while she's gone.
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