Friday, October 01, 2004

Choices

I have not posted on here for quite some time, but I figure this is as good as time as any. My girlfriend went to Hawaii for two weeks, and then spent another week with her family, so I have been by myself for about three weeks. And during that time, I have been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship.

I have painted an extremely negative picture of how things have been in the past because I usually posted an entry only when I was emotionally hurt or upset about something. When things were going good between us, I wouldn't post anything--mostly because I didn't think of it, partially because I didn't have time. I wonder if having this blog is a dishonest thing to do and hurts the relationship more than it helps me. My girlfriend says that it is not healthy for us to have secrets from each other, and this something that the counselor echoed. The three weeks apart have helped me see that in some ways, my girlfriend has been healthy and good for me (and to me). This is not a portrait that I have painted here.

For the past couple of months, things have really been better between us. I think that my girlfriend has been trusting me more and has been less likely to accuse me of something that I haven't done, or be upset with me for minor things. I credit the counselor that we saw over the summer. The counselor helped shaped some of the issues for me so that I am more clear about what I am responsible for and what I am not, for what I need to feel bad about and for what I don't. We also talked about her issues. I got some perspective about where she was coming from, so I could see some things as not attacks, but as insecurities and pains she has. For awhile, whenever my girlfriend had a minor frustration or even be in slightly bad mood, I would immediately get upset and begin assailing her with my own issues that were bigger than life.

Yet, even though things have been much better since the counselor, the time apart has been good in that it has given me some space to really think about what I want in this relationship. I believe that the time has come for me to make a decision about the relationship in one way or another because progress is desperately needed for us both to be healthy. Although I haven't decided what to do yet, I think I must either ask her to marry me or move on. Some of it depends on how we get along during the rest of the year. If this progress we have made is permanent, then I think there is hope for this relationship, and it is time for me to start thinking about beginning a family with my girlfriend. However, if things devolve into the way they were, I have to face the sad facts.

And while this may be the most difficult and inconvenient time for me to do this, I have to do it. I had to take a pay cut for the problems at work. (It is a miracle that they did not fire me.) Therefore, I have nearly no money to pay bills. My parents are loaning me some money for food. My car has been having intermittent breakdowns for which I have no money to make repairs. I am purposely not paying some bills that I need to, and I may have to take a second part-time job to get to the end of the year. It is the worst time to make a decision about the relationship. However, I have realized that I can't put it off anymore. These types of decisions must be made whether one is ready for them or not.

My opinions and thoughts about the matter constantly change, and I think that part of this is the human condition. The stream-of-consciousness novels that I read in college are a testament to the fact that the brain is always working and making choices. But, while my mind my change tomorrow on any or all of these issues, I do feel that I am drifting to a committed choice.