Some Good Stuff

Okay, after some bad stuff, there has been some good stuff during the last couple of days. She admitted to me that when we were apart she decided that she was going to break up with me after the summer was over and after she had fulfilled her own obligations to a job that she has here in town. I had reached the same conclusion in my own way. Most of the advice here has been that I should run, not walk, in the other direction and never look back. For all intents and purposes, our relationship was over.

However, I have to say that, while I felt a little relieved when she was gone, I feel that things are going pretty good since she has been back. We are taking it one day at a time, and consequently, things feel less stressful. Perhaps the change in perspective, the break from each other, was something that we needed to get back on track. The counseling session that we had this week has also helped. The counselor has suggested, aside from the fact that we both seem to be working pretty hard to keep things together, that she has been giving me a lot of authority for control of her feelings. Rather than ask herself what she can do to make the relationship better, she looks to me to fix things, and when I don't or can't, she gets irritated at me and correspondingly becomes depressed or upset. Therefore, even though she might have legitimate reasons to be mad at me in certain areas, for now, the counselor suggests that she should focus on herself for this week and see what happens.

Now, we have a trip out east for the next couple of days. Something we have planned for awhile and have already pre-arranged. Although I should be focusing on work, I think that this trip should be okay for both of us. I'm looking forward to traveling over the mountains and being in the desert. Perhaps the change of scenery will re-energize me and make the work I need to do go more quickly. We'll see what happens. I should be back on Saturday, and will try to post a couple of days after that.

A Night Alone

My emotions, while not intense, are a mess. I have a dull and mild sense of panic tonight that I am not sure are rooted more in my fears about losing my job, or my distress at the state of my relationship. Perhaps, it is rooted in both equally.

Like I mentioned in the last post, she is out of town for a trip that she planned before our most recent argument. However, she has not called me since she has left, and that is a little unusual, especially since she blocked the couple of phonecalls I tried to make yesterday. I assume that she does not want to talk to me, but to be 100% honest, I'm not sure that I really want to talk to her either. I wish she would call me and apologize, but I'm certain that it is she who feels slighted, so I will not receive any kind of apology at all. And of course, it really isn't the behavior that I want the apology for. An apology, any kind of apology, would indicate to me that she has some concern about my feelings, some desire to want to set things straight.

So, while I am supposed to be working on the report that is way overdue in order to keep my job, I am feeling strange. Intellectually, I know that this relationship is bad, and while I desperately hope that things will get better, I must admit that there is a chance that they won't. Emotionally, I am trying to hold on to what I would call "the sure handle." I can't describe it any better, except to say that if I lose my grip on that handle, and if I let my emotions go, I will be less able to do what I need to in order to survive these next few months.

Fighting again.

Who was is it who said that "happy families are all alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own unique way?" I am paraphrasing here, but I think I've got the gist of the quote. However, I happen to think the statement is reversed. Whenever you hear someone tell you about their bad relationship, it all sounds the same. The pain never changes, but the moments of delight are each unique.

It is hard not to feel bad about being in a bad relationship. I constantly think of our good times together, and hope that, like a ghost, those good times will continue haunt me. However, all I have now are ghosts. This last week, despite seeing a counselor, has been spent in depression and misery. Except for the few moments when we are both watching television together, our emotional pains numbed by the electronic opiate, we have been depressed and frustrated with each other. She seems to be more frustrated with me, but that is because she imagines and assigns more bad motives to me than I to her. I know I am not a perfect person, but if I were half as bad a she claimed, I would have to remove myself from human society and live in a cave somewhere. I know in my heart that I am not a bad person, but when someone who is in as much emotional pain as she tells you it is all your fault, it is hard not to question your own sense of yourself. The emotional ground you stand on becomes soft and loose, and you lose your equilibrium.

Lately, she has expressed her belief that I am not as physically affectionate as I used to be. This happens to be true, but my reason for it is because of the recriminations and arguments we keep having. It is difficult for me to want to rub her back just after she has told me that I am insensitive, physically unappealing, slob. She also claims that I am withholding intimacy with her to exercise control in this relationship and to compel her to do what I want. This is categorically untrue. My ultimate goal for the relationship is for us to be completely equal, where each expresses our needs to each other verbally. Yet, when I deny her accusation, it becomes more true for her. I have found that in order to fight for equality, I occasionally have to stand up for myself, even if I know it will lead to an argument. The consequence for not standing up for myself is to drown in a deeper sea of misery than the one in which we are already immersed.

Last night, after some half-teasing taunts to each other about the need for affection, we went to bed together. This was unusual in that for most of the week she has slept on the couch because she was mad at me for one reason or another. She wanted me to help her relax by rubbing her belly. But as I usually initiate the affectionate touching, I wanted a change. I asked her if she would rub my back. She became agitated and frustrated. I'm not 100% sure why. I asked again, saying that I felt it was unfair that I usually have to satisfy her, and not occasionally having it the other way around.

Inexplicably, she rolled over on top of my body and pressed her forearm into my neck. I found it a little difficult to breathe, but I did not panic. In fact, I found that I was little mad. Frequently, I think to myself that her anger or unhappiness is a kind of corrective on my behavior. If she doesn't get what she wants, she will make me and herself miserable until I apologize or do something to mollify her. I am finding that approach increasingly hard to deal with. I think that the complete irrationality of her behavior made me calmer because I knew that in this instance, most of the issues were hers. (Let me repeat, however, that I know I am not a perfect person.) Eventually, she rolled off of me and started to cry frustrated and angry tears.

As I was a little mad, I began to ask her what she was doing and why she was acting that way. Why not just be the first person to offer some affection once in awhile. She has told me that it is the man's role to be assertive, and normally, I don't have a problem being so, even if I find her rationale a little sexist. Still, men need love too, to feel a little reassurance. When I asked her to rub my back, she began to hit it with her fists. As my voice raised a little trying to convince her of the absurdity of her actions, I once again asked her to be the first to offer some affection. Still crying, she shouted fine and again attacked me. It was not a pleasant experience. I grabbed the blankets and told her I was going to sleep on the couch.

I spent the next hour listening to her cry in the next room. I was little scared because I thought, well if she can do what she did in the bedroom, what else is she capable of. Although I did not want to fall asleep before I knew what she was going to do, I nodded off about an hour later. She stayed in the bedroom all night, eventually going to sleep herself.

When she awoke in the morning, she began packing her bags and getting ready for a trip by herself that she had already planned before we had our argument. I awoke when she was in the shower, and for the next thirty minutes, until the time she left, she said less than fifteen words to me, good morning not being among them.

I've since tried to call her on her cellphone, but she was blocking my calls. Consequently, it seems fairly certain that it is only a matter of time before we break up. Although it was something that I haven't wanted to happen, it looks as if I may not have a choice. On top of everything else, I have received a letter from my boss saying that if I do not file an extension on the reports I am working on, I will lose my position at the company. For the next two weeks, I am going to focus on nothing else except work. If I lose my job, I will lose everything--both her and my career. If I can hold on to my job, I have a shot at keeping the whole thing together. It is my only option at this point.

Over the weekend

Over the weekend, we were having a relatively good time. Even though I continue to remain behind on work, we decided that it would really pay off to take some time out for the both of us and go camping on the coast. Needless to say that I have been having a large amount of trouble getting going on the work front, and things in that regard are still as clear as mud.

For the most part, the trip the coast was pretty good, and the camp site that we chose was practically deserted. Everything was pretty good, but for the most part, she was bossing me around. She didn't want me to help her make the fire, to make the food, to unpack the car, or practically anything else. I would try to do any one of those things, but she told me that I was doing it wrong. Frankly, I was beginning to get a little frustrated about it, but I felt that I would try to stay out of her way to keep things going well. Unfortunately, my frustrations starting seeping out in the form of sarcasm. When she noted that I was being grouchy the next morning, I told her it was because I felt that she was being really bossy. I pointed out, except for the tent, I had not been allowed to do anything without her approval or permission. I told her it upset me and made me feel like a child.

Of course, her reaction to this was to get upset herself. Like she does when I confront her with my feelings and point out how I think she is at the heart of the trouble, she gives up. She stopped what she was doing and went back into the tent to go to sleep. There wasn't much left for me to do after that. We had planned on taking a walk together, but it looked like that wasn't going to happen. So, after standing around looking bewildered for awhile, I also went into the tent to lie down. It had been cold the night before and neither one of us had got any good rest. Yet, my taking a nap wasn't acceptable to her. After I had lay on the sleeping bag for about five minutes, she wordlessly got up and went to the car. She tried to sleep in the passenger seat. I knew my presence was aggravating her, so I accepted the reality of the situation, went outside and told her that I was going to go for a walk by myself. I figured that she would return to the tent and sleep there, where it would be much more comfortable.

I found a nearby trail through the coastal forest that eventually led up to some very large dunes. The environment here was interesting because this was the overlapping border between sand and forest. I climbed the tallest dune, sat in the sun, and thought about my circumstances. I even prayed as devoutly as I could, imploring God to help me out with this relationship. Nothing I do seems to be right, seems to be acceptable to her, and I feel that I sacrificed a lot because of my desire to be with her. (Note: sacrifice is a hot button word in our relationship. I can't use the word, without her thinking that I am trying to vaunt myself over her, or imply that she hasn't made any sacrifices at all. I see us as equals, and I know she has made many sacrifices.) I also called my family from the top of the dune, something which was barely possible because of its height. I needed to talk to people who did not think that I was an unrepentant jerk.

Over an hour later, I climbed down and walked my way back. She had indeed gone back inside the tent to take another nap. I recognize these naps. They're naps people take when they are extremely depressed. I myself had taken a few of these kind of naps. I knelt beside the tent, and she awoke to look at me through the mosquito screen.

We talked about the future. She told me that she had some things that she just could not compromise on. I listened and tried to tell her why I was frustrated about what had happened. I said that I felt like I do not have an equal role in the relationship, that everything centers on her. She said she would like to have baby in the next couple of years. I'm not sure how I feel about this, especially since she will not likely have menopause for another twenty years. We both agreed that we need to have a solid relationship first.

Basically, it all boiled down to this: we have until the end of the summer to determine if this is good relationship or not, then if things are good and we decide to stay together, we work on having a kid and I work on getting a new job to support her. Once with a kid, she will quit work for a couple of years, and somehow, we will be a happy couple. I'm not necessarily opposed to this, but as I told her, the details are the issue. What does a good relationship look like, when will we know, what are the key indicators?

It has been a couple of days since our coast trip, and we have a new thing to argue over. She and I wasted the other day being mad and upset at each other. She took another nap, and despite my asking her several times if there was anything I could do to help her out, to make her feel better, or even if I could get her a cup of coffee, she would not talk to me. This feels over the top. I know we have problems, and I know I'm not perfect. But when she gives up on us, especially when I have the specific complaint about our daily interaction, I feel helpless and, yes, a little bullied.

Suspicion and the Future

While the counselor has helped us get some things back on track to the point where I feel that we are starting to make some progress, she has returned to talking about the summer as our last chance to get things right. She says that she wants us to figure out something to move things forward. However, the problem is, while I whole-heartedly agree, I also believe neither one of us will be able to assess what kind of progress we could make that will indicate that our future together will be assured.

Often, it seems like what she wants is for me to agree unreservedly to her vision of the future. If I don't agree on which things will occur or how they will develop she will get very unhappy with me and say things aren't working out. If I agree to do what she wants, if I eliminate my own personality, preferences, and tastes, and focus solely on her, then things are going great. And If I don't agree to a particular course of action, then she doesn't know if she can continue with our relationship. For example, I've already been told that the future "kids" will be schooled in an alternative educational system, that we will live in a certain town near her family, that her family will act as babysitters, that I need to take two years off of my job plans so she can focus on hers, that we will eventually buy a home at the coast, and we will have dog. While I don't mind doing some of these things, it bothers me that I don't have a say, and that I can't meet my needs while meeting hers. What about spending time with my family, or being near them? Are there compromises that could be made where we both get what we want? These are questions that we don't discuss without having an argument. If I say what I want, then I am an obstruction to her plans.

Frankly, I find this a sophisticated form of manipulation because if I disagree, then I am painted as a bad guy who doesn't want the relationship to get better, or worse, I don't really care about her or the relationship at all. Actually, I am struggling to find a balance between me and her where I feel good about the relationship because I know that it doesn't me I have to give up everything.

And, honestly, there are still two major issues in our relationship that I am grappling with. The worst of which is her constant suspicion of me. If I mention another woman's name in passing (for instance, if I mention a conversation I had with co-worker), she becomes fiercly suspicious that I am having an affair. This really bothers and upsets me, and among other things, it is beginning to make me feel like a child. It's as if I have to prove my loyalty to her all of the time, and explain where I have been or what I was doing. She watches that awful show Cheaters and then says things like: See, other guys do it all the time. What makes you so different?

The flip side of this particular coin is how, when I ask her if she really trusts me, or if I tell her that somewhere, deep down, she must really love me, she disagrees. To be fair, I really think she does care and is just trying to protect her emotions and not be vulnerable to me, but I have to say that, despite my understanding, I find it bitterly ironic and unfair. While she demands proof of my loyalty constantly, and I tell her she has it (and she really does), she can't offer any in return. I get no reassurances.

This morning a telemarketer called, but it was the sneaky kind of telemarketer who asks for someone else to get your guard down and doesn't say they're selling something. So, I said: "so-and-so does not live here, sorry." The voice on the other line says "well, what's your name?" I laugh because this is an odd and presumptive question, so I say "um, well, I'm not gonna tell you." The voice giggles and says, "well I would tell you mine, heck I would give you my driver's license number, but I guess that wouldn't be wise." Voice then launches into her speech about saving on windows, and I hang up the phone after declining.

She had been standing in the kitchen during the conversation and overheard my end of it. She asks me: "who was that?" I say nobody. She says "was it a female?" I tell her that it was. She then accuses me of flirting with the telemarketer, with my offending laugh being her prime evidence. I am confused. Don't people flirt to get some kind of positive attention? I clearly did not want the telemarketers attention (who really does?), and I was irritated at the telemarketer's deceptiveness before launching into the sales pitch. But when these kind of ridiculous assertions are made about my flirting, I am completely at a loss. Similar accusations have happened often, especially if things are not going well between us at the moment. I don't know what to say. And, I am completely at a loss as to how to respond without it seeming like a guilty denial.

A Tough Day

Yesterday was a major low moment in our relationship, and it has been hard for me to get going on the things I need to really focus on. The report that is due for work is still not done yet, but I haven't yet heard from my boss or the accounting department, so I'm not sure if things are irreparably damaged. I think that there may be a chance that I can salvage my job and continue to work here at the company. Of course, if I do manage to pull it off, the next task here at work will be trying to find a way to salvage my reputation. I'm hoping that the investment that company has made in my training makes me too valuable to fire.

Anyhow, yesterday morning my plan was to go to work early and finish the report. But when I woke up, I sensed that she was unhappy about something. Although she did not say anything, she had a frown and was in a bad mood. I can tell she is in a bad mood when she gives me monosyllabic answers to my questions. I decided that whatever was wrong, it would be more important to get to work. However, as a last attempt to cheer her up, I thought I would show her that the local cat was sleeping on the towel she had laid out for it the other day. I figured it would make her happy to see that her gesture was being appreciated by the cat. It was a super minor thing, but as she was not talking to me, and as I had to leave the house, I thought it would mean a little something.

This was when she got off the couch and started yelling at me for being a jerk. She was not much more specific, but I soon found that she was unhappy because I had not been as affectionate as I used to be. She was feeling neglected. Of course, my problem is that because I feel under emotional attack from her most of the time, I don't feel much like being affectionate. Her thoughts and feelings are a minefield that I constantly have to navigate my way through to avoid upsetting her. It's hard to feel attracted to someone who scares you a little with their behavior.

My problem was that I had to leave, and I couldn't respond the way I wanted to. I issued a hurt denial to her accusation of being a jerk, and went to my car. But as I walked to the parking lot, I became increasingly angrier and angrier. I felt that her attack just as I was leaving the house was a kind of sabotage. She does not want me to do well at work, or she simply does not care that I do well. Maybe she is jealous of the time I spend there, or maybe she is tired of hearing how I need to focus more of my time there and need to spend less time with her. In either case, I was really upset.

So I did something I shouldn't have. I went back to the house, opened the door, and yelled at her. I won't go in the details of our argument, who said what, or what was said. However, I can say that I was upset. She shut down emotionally and went to lie on the bed. She was extremely upset because I was so inappropriately angry. She covered her ears as I yelled out my frustrations. It felt as she was emotionally running away from me and that made me a little angrier.

Try as I might, I could not get her to listen to me. Eventually, I calmed down and apologized. Even though she was still not listening to me, I poured out the reasons why I was frustrated with her. My main conclusion is that I need to not her behavior get me so off track in the future. Even though I want to respond to her attacks and accusations, I need to give myself some time to do it appropriately. She accuses me of being the most horrible person in the world, and I feel I must say something then and there. I need to talk, but she doesn't want to listen. We disagree about some fundamental things. I suppose I could try waiting at least thirty minutes before responding to her again in order to give me some time to cool down.

Once she started listening again, and after I had apologized numerous times for yelling, we made up. I tried a few of the listening techniques that the counselor had suggested we try. Even though the techniques make our conversations sound stilted, and even though it feel "forced" when I do it, it seemed to help. At least it convinced her that I was hearing what she said. That helped bring the tension down a quite a bit. Soon, she apologized for her earlier behavior as well. Of course, even though we made up and felt a little better about the relationship and our future, I lost a lot of potential working time. It is nearly one a.m. in the morning, and I am at work trying to get this report done by Monday morning.

My ultimate goal is to have the report in my bosses email in the next few hours. It will be quite a challenge, but I may be able to do it. Of course, I need to be careful not to spend too much time at the office because she will begin to get mad at me. Every time I spend too much time away from the house, she asks me if I am cheating on her. The accusations are frustrating, and they are, in my view ridiculous. After all, if I am having so much trouble with the relationship I have, why on earth would I try to seek another out. This experience has almost put me off relationships altogether, and if we ever did break up, it would be a very long time before I felt like getting in another romantic relationship with someone, if ever. Still, with help from the counselor, there might be hope for us. Lord knows we've tried just about everything else. (Here's hoping that I finish the report soon.)

P.S. I needed to write this blog post right now, instead of working on my report because I needed to get this out. Thinking about it distracts me from the work. Also, typing about something that is personal helps me get in the mode for typing the report. Everything about this report feels forced, but I will get it done. I absolutely have to if I want to avoid getting in trouble with the accounting department.

At Work Right Now

Currently, I am at work right now, and I have a problem. I need to write a report that is due in the next three hours, and I have not comitted anything to paper. My problem consists in the fact that I have had the last several months to work on this report, and that it needs to show about two more weeks of work that I haven't done. This is the report upon which my job hinges on. If I don't complete it right now, and if it is not a stellar report, then everything that I have worked on during the last year, and worked towards for the last five years, will have been for nought.

Here's the major paradox: I don't have any motivation to get it done. Because I feel that I am so behind, I feel a little helpless. The conscious thoughts I have run along the lines of "what is the use?" There's no point. Every time I look at the words on my research, I freeze up. Everything blends together, and I cannot focus anymore. Still, despite the fact that I am sabotaging myself for some reason, I still feel the rising panic at not having worked on this report. I will have to face the music really soon, and it will not be anything that I will feel pleased about. I don't understand why these things have to be so hard.

Maintaining

I should be doing my work, but instead, I figured that I would take a little time to update how things are going between me and her. So far this week, we have not really argued much or had any fights that has resulted in anything that would be concerning. The only thing that still remains that has been a minor irritation for me is the constant suspicion. She will still ask me if I am, have, or will cheat on her. I don't know why on earth she keeps asking me; despite all of our problems, I would never cheat. If I really felt like I wanted to go out with another person, I would definitely break up first. I really would. Ironically, all of the bad experiences that we have had together does not make me want to cheat, but rather makes me want to give up on all relationships ever. Why should I subject myself to another potentially abusive relationship?

Tomorrow, we'll see the counselor again, and I plan on talking about her jealousy. I suspect that we'll also talk about some of my negative issues that affect her. This was what the counseling session was leading up to at that point, so we'll see what happens.

Counseling

I may not lose my job like I supposed, but I won't know for sure until the end of the next couple of weeks. On a better note, we saw the counselor last Wednesday, and it really seems to have helped. During the week before this one we had done nothing but argue on the phone. However, this week, we have been nice to each other and giving each other the kind of moral support that we both need. I think that the counselor has been giving us insight into our respective personalities that help us understand each other in way that was hard before. All of the emotional baggage that has built up between us solidified into a crust covering our hearts. Having the counselor helps us to scrape that stuff off. My girlfriend hasn't been as angry with me as she has been before, and I haven't gotten nearly as upset when she expresses minor (and this time appropriate) frustration.

Surprisingly, one of the things that has been coming out of our sessions is that I am emotionally unavailable in our interactions and that I can avoid answering questions that are diectly put to me. I avoid both my girlfriend's questions and the counselor's. In fact, the counselor says that I do it rather nimbly and subtly. I think that this might be the result of having to protect myself from previous emotional and verbal attack. However, the effect of this is that I don't address her needs, or consider her needs as important as mine. I'm really doing my best to give these counseling sessions an honest shot, because as I said during the last visit, I really want the two of us to be a healthy couple. I am going to invest the whole of myself in hope in order to have good returns over the summer.

Losing My Job

Unless I can figure out some kind of miracle. It seems fairly certain that I am going to lose my job over the whole thing. I'm not happy about it, but there's nothing that I can do about it either. I meet with one of my supervisors today to discuss whether or not I have any options. I also am going to see the counselor today, but I don't know if she is going to show up today or not. She's indicated that she may not.