Another Fight

We had gotten along with each other for the entire day. There were no fights, and I was beginning to feel like that we had turned a corner on our relationship. I knew that things were still not perfect, but our really serious fights had disappeared. I figured that we had the counselor to thank for that. He helped us see how we can care about each other, and how we can argue about things in a healthy, positive way.

But, tonight, even after a day that I felt pretty good about, we fought again--and this was one of the old fights, a serious one. It had started when she accused me of not wanting to answer the phone. I was trying to tell her that I was, in fact, going to answer but I had not reached it in time. I was in the middle of explaining when she cut me off, essentially saying that I was lying, and then she made a return phonecall. I was little shocked and very hurt. What had I done all day, if not try to make her feel good about herself and us?

Of course, I was upset and wanted to talk about it, but it devolved into a full blown argument when she refused to talk about any of it, and then claimed that I was trying to cover up for my own bad behavior. She is stubborn to the Nth degree, and so, if she does not want to talk about anything, she will not. There is nothing I can say, no amount of pleading with her that I can do, that will make her want to talk to me. I persisted though, and when I got really angry and started yelling out my frustration, she leaped in with how I was a yeller and that I should apologize for yelling. At one point, she tried to initiate an audio conversation with someone to "get a witness" to the fact that I did yell, as she feels that no one believes her that I can get angry. Let me just say that I have never denied to anyone--her, the counselor, her family, my family--that I yelled and got frustrated. I am more than willing to talk about my yelling problem with anyone who will listen. I am also willing to accept responsibility for it when I have to.

However, since I had yelled, that was what she wanted to talk about. Not anything of her bad behavior, since that was now off the table because of my own. And it is my understanding from the counselor, that when things are wrong, you need to talk about them to make it any better. At the very end of the night, she claimed that I needed to back off right now because she was so upset. I knew that, even though she had quit about a year ago, she was going to buy some cigarettes. I tried to plead with her not to buy them, but she would not listen to me. She strongly implied that if I really cared about her, I would leave her alone. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I would back down completely, not talk about anything anymore, and give her space, but only as a sign that I cared.

Her last request before she left to buy cigarettes was that I walk downstairs to clear her path of spiderwebs so she could get in the car and drive away. As she has a phobia with spiders, I complied, but I tried, in a rather feeble way I admit, to tell her that, despite my anger, I still loved and supported her. I'm not sure if it made any difference.