Wednesday, January 12, 2005

No Audience for the Last Act

Okay, well, it finally happened. She left me about a couple of weeks ago. As one could tell from all of the previous posts, it had been something that we had both been building on for a long time. After the fights came the despair, which built up into even more pain, which led to the ultimate breakup, which, ironically, we both did not want, but then again, could not prevent.

A couple of things have helped me out a little. The first is which is a counselor which has been helping me see my need to please people and prove to others that I am a good enough person to be liked. My childhood experience had been such that I did not get much encouragement or support from my parents. Therefore, I developed a cloying need for it, something which I transferred to my girlfriend. Most of our arguments went along the lines of her accusing me of something untrue or irrational, and then me hotly protesting either I did not intend to do "A," or if I did "A," I did it with the best intentions. This kind of discourse all led to my feeling like there was two of me. One, which I experienced, was a basically nice guys who had a few problems, and two, the "me" she experienced, was the devil incarnate who made demand after demand.

I know that she has her own issues, and I knew that I had mine, but I never suspected that we would not be able to figure out some way to meet in the middle. I always thought that if both people were sincere and wanted things to work out, they could work out their problems enough to be happy with each other.

The weird part of the breakup is that we can still find time to talk with each other on the Internet through instant chatting. And she has spent most of our chat time together blaming me for her unhappiness at her choice to leave me, which, it should be pointed out, was her choice. At the time, I begged her to stay and protested I still love her. She persisted in leaving, claiming that she had to. Now, I am just beginning to feel that maybe I can start-over with my job and sort out my life with a lot less drama. At least, I hope so.

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