Last Session

Today was the last day at our counselor's office, the last counseling session with him, and it was not our choice, neither one of us. Unfortunately, the counselor is moving to another state, and there is nothing that we can do about it. The catch here is that he was willing to see the both of us for couple's counseling, but he was willing to code it for insurance as one person. It will be difficult finding another counselor who would be willing to make the same arrangement.

As for the session itself, I thought it went pretty well. Of course, most of the sessions recently have focused on my anger, how sensitive I am to criticism, and how I can try to avoid hearing criticism when there is none, or not reacting as strongly to it when it is there. Frankly, because these patterns of behavior are so ingrained, I am confused about what to do or say. But, all in all, I am willing to try. I think that when I "own" the fact that I am an adult, ultimately accountable to no-one but myself, other people's criticism won't throw me so far off track. (I have also learned in these sessions that the corny lingo that counselor's use, such as "own," may sound awkward, it is the only way that I have of talking with my girlfriend in a healthy way. It also helps me to do all of the mental readjustments and internal work that I find challenging.

After the session, we went out to eat together. I thought that it would be good to share something together after doing something (for me) which was so difficult. She had to use the restroom when we first arrived, so thinking that I was taking the initiative, I ordered some onion rings and a chocolate shake. I figured that we would share them. However, when she got back, she was mad at me for not consulting her about the appetizer first. She was also concerned that I was spending too much money. I recognized that I probably should have asked her first, and I said as much, and apologized for it. However, my motivation was to be my own person (I like onion rings) and not wait for her permission to do so. I also thought that she might like them as well.

Slowly she began to get mad, and it is my opinion that when she gets mad, she begins to attack me and criticize. This is not an instance of me hearing criticism where there is none; she clearly was upset with my decision, and later, it comes out that she blames my mother for my being so screwed up. She says that is not fair that she has to suffer (by being with me?) for my mother's mistakes. She believes that I consider my mother an infallible person, capable of doing no wrong.

I have not, nor will I ever believe that my mother is perfect. However, I do like my mother very much, and when we talk about this, I get the sense that she wants me to bad mouth my mother so that she can feel good about herself. She uses my faults as weapons against both me and my mother. Then she demands that I swear loyalty to her. I try to defend both myself and my mother, just a little bit, acknowledging that she is an imperfect person. Big mistake. She gets so mad at me that she does not want to talk to me anymore.

Recently, by the grace of God, I got an extension from my boss to complete my work. I will not be fired if I can do the work and do it well. But, I absolutely need to honestly work on nothing but my reports for the next whole week. If I don't, then I need to look for another job, any job, rather quickly. When my girlfriend yelled at me for being a jerk who values his mother above all else, I thought to myself these things:

1) I am an adult, so I can be comfortable knowing that my mother is not a divine being, but also, no monster either. I can be confident in my feelings and emotions for my girlfriend. I can also I do not have to feel badly that someone else is attacking me for my feelings for my mother, or for my feelings about my girlfriend. I know I love both people.

2) I can feel upset for her behavior, but I don't have to own that behavior. I did not necessarily cause it, nor am I responsible for her feelings. I feel that my only emotional responsibility is to myself, and that means I must be honest with myself and how I feel.

3) I need to make choices that are right for me. While I would certainly love it if my girlfriend could be supportive of me right now, I know that, for myself, I need to complete this work for my job. Therefore, it is okay if I go to the office and work in the evening, even though my girlfriend is mad at me. Later, I can go back and talk, but only when she feels like talking to me.

Not everything has gone my way these last couple of weeks, but I think that I should feel lucky that I have learned, grown, and done a lot. I am sad that my girlfriend is frustrated, and maybe I should work on getting another counselor to see us, especially since she seems to feel that we talked more about me during our previous sessions than we did about her. I don't know. I do know that I wish she wouldn't be upset.