Monday, August 09, 2004

An Unraveling

Things are not going so good, and if anything has been incontrovertibly true for the last several months, if there has been any constant in this volatile relationship, it has been this: the relationship continues to become more unstable. This means that, while there have been tremendous highs lately, there have also been some heart-wrenching lows. Rather than the relationship languish in the pits of mediocrity like it had done a year ago, it has begun to degrade into a tailspin that makes both of us crazy, and frankly, very weary.

We are heartsick with all of the arguing, but it seems that now even the most innocent conversation can spark into a minor conflict or disagreement, which then explodes into a full blown, emotionally damaging argument.

We were discussing, of all things, a reality show this morning. Now, I generally hate reality shows, and I try not to give them any more importance they deserve. For me, the majority of reality shows prey upon people's very worst qualities and force them to humiliate themselves or each other for money and corporate ratings. But for some reason, this morning I began discussing what I thought was the bad behavior of one of the contestants on that one horrible FOX show. She disagreed with me on some basic points, and before we knew it, she was calling me names and leaving the room, I complained how I beginning to lose my ability to put up with this relationship anymore. Part of the problem was that I had earlier claimed that she was a little "high-maintenance," because she had very specific, rigid demands on how to do things, especially household chores. It was not a smart thing to do, and I later apologized.

But, I have to admit that, despite my claims in the heat of an argument, I really do want to have this relationship, just not the bad, recriminating, accusatory, nonsensical, hurtful, and spiteful part of it. I'm not unintelligent or fancifully naive. I know that in every relationship, even the really good ones, you have take the good with the bad. But it seems to me, and to her (if I understand her 100%), there is way too much bad here.

If we are trying to create a common heart out of love, we discover that there is not enough love to work with, enough from which to shape a life that gives each of us strength and hope in each other. There is plenty of fear and anger--plenty of doubt and suspicion, plenty of worry that any future we create together will not be one that we had painted for ourselves alone. I keep wanting to save what we have, but it seems like the harder I pull at the very threads that bind the tapestry of our lives together, to grasp all of the fraying threads in order to tie them back together again, the faster the tapestry unravels into a pile of loose and broken strings that are no longer connected to each other.

For the time being, things are at a relative truce. I am at work, and we both have space to think. We will both go to the counselor at the end of the week to hash out some of our most difficult and ongoing issues. I have also promised her that I will not automatically talk about leaving when things start to go bad, and she says that she will try not to angry at me for having an opinion. We both agree that it is okay to get angry about criticism and verbal attacks. I have apologized for my behavior this morning, and we have both rededicated ourselves to avoid falling back into that trap. Of course, while the pain in both us of us could be talking louder than anything else, we have both come to a point where we realize that this relationship may have to end sooner than later, and we have to accept (I have to accept) that there may not be anything more that I can do to save it.

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