Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Another Fight

We had gotten along with each other for the entire day. There were no fights, and I was beginning to feel like that we had turned a corner on our relationship. I knew that things were still not perfect, but our really serious fights had disappeared. I figured that we had the counselor to thank for that. He helped us see how we can care about each other, and how we can argue about things in a healthy, positive way.

But, tonight, even after a day that I felt pretty good about, we fought again--and this was one of the old fights, a serious one. It had started when she accused me of not wanting to answer the phone. I was trying to tell her that I was, in fact, going to answer but I had not reached it in time. I was in the middle of explaining when she cut me off, essentially saying that I was lying, and then she made a return phonecall. I was little shocked and very hurt. What had I done all day, if not try to make her feel good about herself and us?

Of course, I was upset and wanted to talk about it, but it devolved into a full blown argument when she refused to talk about any of it, and then claimed that I was trying to cover up for my own bad behavior. She is stubborn to the Nth degree, and so, if she does not want to talk about anything, she will not. There is nothing I can say, no amount of pleading with her that I can do, that will make her want to talk to me. I persisted though, and when I got really angry and started yelling out my frustration, she leaped in with how I was a yeller and that I should apologize for yelling. At one point, she tried to initiate an audio conversation with someone to "get a witness" to the fact that I did yell, as she feels that no one believes her that I can get angry. Let me just say that I have never denied to anyone--her, the counselor, her family, my family--that I yelled and got frustrated. I am more than willing to talk about my yelling problem with anyone who will listen. I am also willing to accept responsibility for it when I have to.

However, since I had yelled, that was what she wanted to talk about. Not anything of her bad behavior, since that was now off the table because of my own. And it is my understanding from the counselor, that when things are wrong, you need to talk about them to make it any better. At the very end of the night, she claimed that I needed to back off right now because she was so upset. I knew that, even though she had quit about a year ago, she was going to buy some cigarettes. I tried to plead with her not to buy them, but she would not listen to me. She strongly implied that if I really cared about her, I would leave her alone. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I would back down completely, not talk about anything anymore, and give her space, but only as a sign that I cared.

Her last request before she left to buy cigarettes was that I walk downstairs to clear her path of spiderwebs so she could get in the car and drive away. As she has a phobia with spiders, I complied, but I tried, in a rather feeble way I admit, to tell her that, despite my anger, I still loved and supported her. I'm not sure if it made any difference.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Last Session

Today was the last day at our counselor's office, the last counseling session with him, and it was not our choice, neither one of us. Unfortunately, the counselor is moving to another state, and there is nothing that we can do about it. The catch here is that he was willing to see the both of us for couple's counseling, but he was willing to code it for insurance as one person. It will be difficult finding another counselor who would be willing to make the same arrangement.

As for the session itself, I thought it went pretty well. Of course, most of the sessions recently have focused on my anger, how sensitive I am to criticism, and how I can try to avoid hearing criticism when there is none, or not reacting as strongly to it when it is there. Frankly, because these patterns of behavior are so ingrained, I am confused about what to do or say. But, all in all, I am willing to try. I think that when I "own" the fact that I am an adult, ultimately accountable to no-one but myself, other people's criticism won't throw me so far off track. (I have also learned in these sessions that the corny lingo that counselor's use, such as "own," may sound awkward, it is the only way that I have of talking with my girlfriend in a healthy way. It also helps me to do all of the mental readjustments and internal work that I find challenging.

After the session, we went out to eat together. I thought that it would be good to share something together after doing something (for me) which was so difficult. She had to use the restroom when we first arrived, so thinking that I was taking the initiative, I ordered some onion rings and a chocolate shake. I figured that we would share them. However, when she got back, she was mad at me for not consulting her about the appetizer first. She was also concerned that I was spending too much money. I recognized that I probably should have asked her first, and I said as much, and apologized for it. However, my motivation was to be my own person (I like onion rings) and not wait for her permission to do so. I also thought that she might like them as well.

Slowly she began to get mad, and it is my opinion that when she gets mad, she begins to attack me and criticize. This is not an instance of me hearing criticism where there is none; she clearly was upset with my decision, and later, it comes out that she blames my mother for my being so screwed up. She says that is not fair that she has to suffer (by being with me?) for my mother's mistakes. She believes that I consider my mother an infallible person, capable of doing no wrong.

I have not, nor will I ever believe that my mother is perfect. However, I do like my mother very much, and when we talk about this, I get the sense that she wants me to bad mouth my mother so that she can feel good about herself. She uses my faults as weapons against both me and my mother. Then she demands that I swear loyalty to her. I try to defend both myself and my mother, just a little bit, acknowledging that she is an imperfect person. Big mistake. She gets so mad at me that she does not want to talk to me anymore.

Recently, by the grace of God, I got an extension from my boss to complete my work. I will not be fired if I can do the work and do it well. But, I absolutely need to honestly work on nothing but my reports for the next whole week. If I don't, then I need to look for another job, any job, rather quickly. When my girlfriend yelled at me for being a jerk who values his mother above all else, I thought to myself these things:

1) I am an adult, so I can be comfortable knowing that my mother is not a divine being, but also, no monster either. I can be confident in my feelings and emotions for my girlfriend. I can also I do not have to feel badly that someone else is attacking me for my feelings for my mother, or for my feelings about my girlfriend. I know I love both people.

2) I can feel upset for her behavior, but I don't have to own that behavior. I did not necessarily cause it, nor am I responsible for her feelings. I feel that my only emotional responsibility is to myself, and that means I must be honest with myself and how I feel.

3) I need to make choices that are right for me. While I would certainly love it if my girlfriend could be supportive of me right now, I know that, for myself, I need to complete this work for my job. Therefore, it is okay if I go to the office and work in the evening, even though my girlfriend is mad at me. Later, I can go back and talk, but only when she feels like talking to me.
Not everything has gone my way these last couple of weeks, but I think that I should feel lucky that I have learned, grown, and done a lot. I am sad that my girlfriend is frustrated, and maybe I should work on getting another counselor to see us, especially since she seems to feel that we talked more about me during our previous sessions than we did about her. I don't know. I do know that I wish she wouldn't be upset.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

A Little Hope

I fear that I may have chased off all of the readers of my blog away with my constant waffling about this relationship. But, I am afraid that I can't help it. The purpose of this blog was not for me to determine if the relationship was worth it, was something that I wanted to continue. It always was something that I wanted to save, to find some way to fix and make everything better.

I confess that I am a human being with human wants, needs, emotions, flaws, and limitations. I really want my girlfriend to be in love with me, as I am with her. Of course, what I want may be in direct conflict with what she really wants, and this is the thing that I find the most difficult to accept. Finding someone to love is not a matter of finding a human Lego piece, whose life fits perfectly on to yours. It is about working it out somehow, finding as many connections that you have, lacking those creating them, then strengthening them, and relying on them during the bad spots.

We've seen the counselor a couple more times, and I must admit I don't know how much it is helping me. I truly am struggling with some difficult emotions that make it hard for me to function sometimes. I come very close to crying, and then say I feel like it is all going to fall apart. The counselor prods: "what if everything did?" And I resist, "I'm not going to let it." And I won't. Not now. I have work that I need to complete first. I am fighting for my financial and career lives. There is no time to break down because I need to secure my obligations there. Otherwise, I have lost something dear to me that I have worked hard for during the last four years.

Today and yesterday were good days for our relationship insofar as we did not fight and we truly enjoyed each others company. She made me dinner, and I kept the house clean. We watched television together, joked together, and, probably most importantly, we were able to enjoy ourselves in the same house, but enjoy them apart. That being together, but doing separate things, is one of the most secure feelings that I have in the relationship. It is a feeling that I want to continue.

Of course, these two good days have come at the price of my job. Rather than do the work that I should have done, I spent it with her. I don't blame her for my spending time with her. Still, right now, a day before the deadline, I am regretting my choices. I should have spent it at work and done nothing else. I promised someone that I would, and now it turns out that I didn't. I don't know what the future will hold, but I am hoping that I haven't squandered all of my chances. I need to continue to have a little hope.

Monday, August 09, 2004

An Unraveling

Things are not going so good, and if anything has been incontrovertibly true for the last several months, if there has been any constant in this volatile relationship, it has been this: the relationship continues to become more unstable. This means that, while there have been tremendous highs lately, there have also been some heart-wrenching lows. Rather than the relationship languish in the pits of mediocrity like it had done a year ago, it has begun to degrade into a tailspin that makes both of us crazy, and frankly, very weary.

We are heartsick with all of the arguing, but it seems that now even the most innocent conversation can spark into a minor conflict or disagreement, which then explodes into a full blown, emotionally damaging argument.

We were discussing, of all things, a reality show this morning. Now, I generally hate reality shows, and I try not to give them any more importance they deserve. For me, the majority of reality shows prey upon people's very worst qualities and force them to humiliate themselves or each other for money and corporate ratings. But for some reason, this morning I began discussing what I thought was the bad behavior of one of the contestants on that one horrible FOX show. She disagreed with me on some basic points, and before we knew it, she was calling me names and leaving the room, I complained how I beginning to lose my ability to put up with this relationship anymore. Part of the problem was that I had earlier claimed that she was a little "high-maintenance," because she had very specific, rigid demands on how to do things, especially household chores. It was not a smart thing to do, and I later apologized.

But, I have to admit that, despite my claims in the heat of an argument, I really do want to have this relationship, just not the bad, recriminating, accusatory, nonsensical, hurtful, and spiteful part of it. I'm not unintelligent or fancifully naive. I know that in every relationship, even the really good ones, you have take the good with the bad. But it seems to me, and to her (if I understand her 100%), there is way too much bad here.

If we are trying to create a common heart out of love, we discover that there is not enough love to work with, enough from which to shape a life that gives each of us strength and hope in each other. There is plenty of fear and anger--plenty of doubt and suspicion, plenty of worry that any future we create together will not be one that we had painted for ourselves alone. I keep wanting to save what we have, but it seems like the harder I pull at the very threads that bind the tapestry of our lives together, to grasp all of the fraying threads in order to tie them back together again, the faster the tapestry unravels into a pile of loose and broken strings that are no longer connected to each other.

For the time being, things are at a relative truce. I am at work, and we both have space to think. We will both go to the counselor at the end of the week to hash out some of our most difficult and ongoing issues. I have also promised her that I will not automatically talk about leaving when things start to go bad, and she says that she will try not to angry at me for having an opinion. We both agree that it is okay to get angry about criticism and verbal attacks. I have apologized for my behavior this morning, and we have both rededicated ourselves to avoid falling back into that trap. Of course, while the pain in both us of us could be talking louder than anything else, we have both come to a point where we realize that this relationship may have to end sooner than later, and we have to accept (I have to accept) that there may not be anything more that I can do to save it.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Less Stressful

This morning, after I dropped her off at work, I went to the bookstore to sell some books because I needed the money. Unfortunately, out of a box of about fifty books, they would only take one, a small one. Therefore, instead of getting about twenty bucks, like I had hoped, I wound up with fifty cents and a box of books that I don't quite know what to do with yet. From the bookstore, I drove to our bank and deposited money in our joint account to pay our rent for this month. Money has been extremely tight all around and that has been just one more thing to the list of things that makes things so stressful for the both of us.

However, ironically, I think that things in our relationship are getting less and less stressful as we continue on with it. We are making our way through the problems that have been dogging us for a long time. I am beginning to think that if we can maintain the relationship as we have had it for the past couple of weeks or so (minus the couple of setbacks), we might actually be able to make a real go of things. We both still have our flaws, but I think that we have been recently helping each other cope with them rather than get overly frustrated by them for our own selfish reasons.

Of course, the reason for this new light in our relationship is our meetings with the counselor helping us. I am beginning to realize just how much my self-esteem was trampled upon as a child. All of the criticisms, judgments, and "getting-in-trouble" for unclear reasons have taken their toll in ways that I was not (and still not 100%) aware of. To this day, my relationships with authority figures, like bosses, are still inflected with all of those old associations. My parents were well-meaning people, but my mother had some problems that she could not help but passing on to her kids. I don't blame her because I care about her very much and understand her position better than most.

But, when it comes to my relationship with women, especially this one, my strategy was to please without question and without regard for myself because of my childhood experiences. When arguments would occur, I would not stand up for myself or say what I really wanted. Instead, I would try and figure out how to change my behavior so as not to anger her anymore. I feared making a decision because I thought it might be the wrong one. And if it was wrong one, would she get upset and leave me? For a long time, I believed that she would. This shrinking and pulling back that I would do made me a ghost in my own relationship. My girlfriend says that, during our the first year of our relationship, I did not get mad or irritated even once despite her belief that I had several good reasons for being so. She was frustrated that did not have more of personal presence in our relationship. She felt that I was making her responsible for everything that we did together.

Now, all these years later, I feel that I need to learn how to 1) not get as upset as can when things go badly for me personally, and 2) be able to say no, disagree, and stand up for myself without going to the other extreme and being a jerk. Number two on that list may be the hardest thing I have had to do in years, because I have no conception of how to practically do this. I have always associated asserting yourself in this manner with being a jerk, when in fact it is a quite healthy thing to do. I realize that this is also an issue that other people do not have to struggle with like I do.

For example, when she calls me a name, rather than say "you hurt me with that name-calling and I want you to stop," I would instead say something like "why do you always do that?" Then, I would try to intellectualize and rationally prove that her behavior was bad, to try and force her through an argument to apologize, rather than speak up for myself and control my own emotions and responses. I guess I feel that I have finally been introduced to my right to have and do what is "right for me," a cliche for sure, but one that is nevertheless true. This does not mean I have to be a jerk, but it does mean that I need to tend the garden of my heart a little better than I have been. I feel reintroduced to my inner life again, and although I did not want to lose it in the first place, I've only realized that it had been missing for a couple of years.

One of the things that I think that I may need to start doing again is meditation. I know that this may sound a little new-agey, but it is something that I have done in the past as a teenager, and when I was doing it, I was able to develop a reasonable sense of calm that carried over into my daily life. If I start meditating again, I think that I can get back in touch with who I am and what I want for my own being. It might also help me maintain control, but still in touch with, my emotions, to keep a balance that will help me through the personal tests that are sure to come again.