A Little Hope
I fear that I may have chased off all of the readers of my blog away with my constant waffling about this relationship. But, I am afraid that I can't help it. The purpose of this blog was not for me to determine if the relationship was worth it, was something that I wanted to continue. It always was something that I wanted to save, to find some way to fix and make everything better.
I confess that I am a human being with human wants, needs, emotions, flaws, and limitations. I really want my girlfriend to be in love with me, as I am with her. Of course, what I want may be in direct conflict with what she really wants, and this is the thing that I find the most difficult to accept. Finding someone to love is not a matter of finding a human Lego piece, whose life fits perfectly on to yours. It is about working it out somehow, finding as many connections that you have, lacking those creating them, then strengthening them, and relying on them during the bad spots.
We've seen the counselor a couple more times, and I must admit I don't know how much it is helping me. I truly am struggling with some difficult emotions that make it hard for me to function sometimes. I come very close to crying, and then say I feel like it is all going to fall apart. The counselor prods: "what if everything did?" And I resist, "I'm not going to let it." And I won't. Not now. I have work that I need to complete first. I am fighting for my financial and career lives. There is no time to break down because I need to secure my obligations there. Otherwise, I have lost something dear to me that I have worked hard for during the last four years.
Today and yesterday were good days for our relationship insofar as we did not fight and we truly enjoyed each others company. She made me dinner, and I kept the house clean. We watched television together, joked together, and, probably most importantly, we were able to enjoy ourselves in the same house, but enjoy them apart. That being together, but doing separate things, is one of the most secure feelings that I have in the relationship. It is a feeling that I want to continue.
Of course, these two good days have come at the price of my job. Rather than do the work that I should have done, I spent it with her. I don't blame her for my spending time with her. Still, right now, a day before the deadline, I am regretting my choices. I should have spent it at work and done nothing else. I promised someone that I would, and now it turns out that I didn't. I don't know what the future will hold, but I am hoping that I haven't squandered all of my chances. I need to continue to have a little hope.
1 Comments:
Oh dear, yes, you have almost lost me. The unfortunate part is that you are *in* the forest and cannot see it for what it is. Everyone out here can see that no amount of love is going to heal the wounds are now present, no amount of love is going to get you over the enormous hurdles you have in front of you. Not only do you have the possibility of losing your job, you are also probably going to lose this relationship, then where will you be? I would suggest putting the time into your job so you have something left when the relationship falls apart. Trust me. Been there, done that, would do it better next time. It's all the hindsight stuff, I tell ya! :-) Take care, though. I sort of wish I knew you IRL, I'd take you out for coffee and give you a good lashing (in a sweet way, of course!).
c-in Portland
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