Less Stressful

This morning, after I dropped her off at work, I went to the bookstore to sell some books because I needed the money. Unfortunately, out of a box of about fifty books, they would only take one, a small one. Therefore, instead of getting about twenty bucks, like I had hoped, I wound up with fifty cents and a box of books that I don't quite know what to do with yet. From the bookstore, I drove to our bank and deposited money in our joint account to pay our rent for this month. Money has been extremely tight all around and that has been just one more thing to the list of things that makes things so stressful for the both of us.

However, ironically, I think that things in our relationship are getting less and less stressful as we continue on with it. We are making our way through the problems that have been dogging us for a long time. I am beginning to think that if we can maintain the relationship as we have had it for the past couple of weeks or so (minus the couple of setbacks), we might actually be able to make a real go of things. We both still have our flaws, but I think that we have been recently helping each other cope with them rather than get overly frustrated by them for our own selfish reasons.

Of course, the reason for this new light in our relationship is our meetings with the counselor helping us. I am beginning to realize just how much my self-esteem was trampled upon as a child. All of the criticisms, judgments, and "getting-in-trouble" for unclear reasons have taken their toll in ways that I was not (and still not 100%) aware of. To this day, my relationships with authority figures, like bosses, are still inflected with all of those old associations. My parents were well-meaning people, but my mother had some problems that she could not help but passing on to her kids. I don't blame her because I care about her very much and understand her position better than most.

But, when it comes to my relationship with women, especially this one, my strategy was to please without question and without regard for myself because of my childhood experiences. When arguments would occur, I would not stand up for myself or say what I really wanted. Instead, I would try and figure out how to change my behavior so as not to anger her anymore. I feared making a decision because I thought it might be the wrong one. And if it was wrong one, would she get upset and leave me? For a long time, I believed that she would. This shrinking and pulling back that I would do made me a ghost in my own relationship. My girlfriend says that, during our the first year of our relationship, I did not get mad or irritated even once despite her belief that I had several good reasons for being so. She was frustrated that did not have more of personal presence in our relationship. She felt that I was making her responsible for everything that we did together.

Now, all these years later, I feel that I need to learn how to 1) not get as upset as can when things go badly for me personally, and 2) be able to say no, disagree, and stand up for myself without going to the other extreme and being a jerk. Number two on that list may be the hardest thing I have had to do in years, because I have no conception of how to practically do this. I have always associated asserting yourself in this manner with being a jerk, when in fact it is a quite healthy thing to do. I realize that this is also an issue that other people do not have to struggle with like I do.

For example, when she calls me a name, rather than say "you hurt me with that name-calling and I want you to stop," I would instead say something like "why do you always do that?" Then, I would try to intellectualize and rationally prove that her behavior was bad, to try and force her through an argument to apologize, rather than speak up for myself and control my own emotions and responses. I guess I feel that I have finally been introduced to my right to have and do what is "right for me," a cliche for sure, but one that is nevertheless true. This does not mean I have to be a jerk, but it does mean that I need to tend the garden of my heart a little better than I have been. I feel reintroduced to my inner life again, and although I did not want to lose it in the first place, I've only realized that it had been missing for a couple of years.

One of the things that I think that I may need to start doing again is meditation. I know that this may sound a little new-agey, but it is something that I have done in the past as a teenager, and when I was doing it, I was able to develop a reasonable sense of calm that carried over into my daily life. If I start meditating again, I think that I can get back in touch with who I am and what I want for my own being. It might also help me maintain control, but still in touch with, my emotions, to keep a balance that will help me through the personal tests that are sure to come again.