Big Trouble and Anger

So...I really blew it this morning. But, as always, I need to give little back story.

She has several conferences that she has to attend as part of her job, about a couple every few months. So, as she was really busy on Wednesday getting ready to leave, she couldn't attend the counselor meeting like we normally do together. However, even though she couldn't go, I still went. I needed to talk to the counselor about why I was not getting my work done. It really might have to do with something other than the relationship. The counselor gave me a little bit of hard time because, as everyone has been telling me, they can't force me to make any changes. I have to want to change myself. (By the way, I know that this is classic psychologist wisdom, and that it is a cliche, not to mention the punchline to a couple of jokes.)

The way he suggested that I motivate myself was to think of myself in terms of mythology or heroism. I have a dragon that I need to slay in the work that is left to do, despite my ongoing ever-deepening personal problems. Therefore, I need the courage of a hero to get through my dark moments, and fighting my through the pain, achieve what I know needs to be done.

However, this morning rather than find the courage I need to find, I took the exact opposite choice. During the late afternoon, she called me from her conference to talk to me about her day. It was a normal, and okay, maybe even a little sweet phonecall. After all, she just wanted to talk to me and find out how I was doing. Before she left, she had told me that she has realizations about just how much she loves me, but only when she is away on these kinds of trips.

However, after I had told her that I been home all day and awake since 8:00 a.m., she asked me how come I did not pick up the phone when she called me at 9:00 a.m. I told her I didn't know, and that I might have been in the shower. However, I am also a little annoyed at her because these kinds of questions makes me feel like she is checking up on me. I don't say anything more, but she isn't satisfied with my answer "I don't know, and I can't remember." For her, there must be a reason, and that, somehow, I do recall. She keeps asking me where I was and how come I did not answer the phone. Getting angrier, I tell her I don't know. I am pretty sure that her insistence on the question is a result of her being suspicious of me: am I being faithful to her. Knowing this, that any little innocent thing can turn into a full blown episode of her mistrust concerning my faithfulness, makes me angrier and more upset. I tell her that I am getting upset; and then I tell her that I want to talk about something else, and that I do not want to answer any more of her questions. She persists in asking me.

At this point, I really lose it and say some mean and horrible things. I start yelling to the point that I am sure the neighbors can hear me. Part of the reason why I am so on the edge is because I haven't got any work done, but I know that this is not an excuse for my behavior. Anyway, I way overreact, screaming at her at one point to "shut-up and listen to me!"

Of course, this is one of my worst moments, and she naturally hangs up on me. I am not surprised, but the next fifteen minutes, I still don't care. But then with some distance from the event, I begin to calm down. I realize that I stepped way out of line, and even if I was upset at her accusations, I should never have yelled at her or raised my voice. Surely, there was another way, a more appropriate and mature way, to handle the situation.

I had tried to call her back about 10 more times. The first three phonecalls were made when I was still angry, so I left messages that were more angry demands that she call me back. The next seven or eight phonecalls were remorseful apologies for my behavior and pleas for her to call me back. Yet, despite all of these attempts throughout the day, she has not called me back yet, and I am doubting that she will anytime soon. I hope that she will call me tomorrow, but I'm not going to count on it.

I have to say that it is my firm belief that I screwed things up with her. I took a potential ally, someone who could help encourage to get my work done, and I turned her into an enemy. Even though I told the counselor that I had some of my work done, I really haven't done any of it. To top things off, I have just received a $1000 dollar bill in the mail asking me to pay for something that I did not know I needed to pay for. I don't have the money, nor do I know where I can get it. Tomorrow, I will make more of an effort to really get my act together. Today, I don't fully know what happened or why I did what I did, but I do know that I screwed up big time.