Saturday Market vs. Work

Yesterday, we went to the Saturday Market, even though I had a ton of work to do at the office. But, I need to give you some background first. On Thursday, I met with my boss to discuss my current problems at work, and why I have missed several important deadlines. It was explained to me that I needed to have all of my outstanding reports completed by August 5th; otherwise, if I couldn't finish the reports before then, I should start looking for other work and a new career.

On the one hand, I should have seen this meeting as an absolute blessing because the boss would have been within rights to fire me right there on the spot. Yet, on the other hand, I was depressed and humiliated by the meeting because I had to explain why I had messed up in the first place, and explain why I thought that things would be better in the future. Other than lame excuses, I couldn't really point to anything tangible that would prove my reliability to the boss. I half didn't believe I could really turn things around myself, despite my desperate desire to. After the hour-long meeting, I took a long walk around town to figure out what I needed to do to save my job, and how I was going to reorient my priorities. If I lost my job, there still was no guarantee that I could also keep my relationship. It has been, and still is, on the rocks. Therefore, getting fired from my job is a lose-lose situation. If I lost the relationship and kept the job, even though I would be devastated, I'm sure I could still recover enough to move on.

So, at our couple's counseling meeting, because I was stressed out about my job situation, we launched into a discussion about how I felt the relationship takes away time from my getting stuff done at work. Of course, the counselor suggested that no one could work as long as I was proposing I should because everyone needs a break now and again. (I had wanted to spend every day for the next four weeks working from dawn 'till dusk doing nothing but work.) The counselor suggested that I divide up my time between work and the relationship, taking the necessary breaks I need with my girlfriend in order to take care of the relationship itself and not get "burned out."

This seems like good advice, but I still have a problem with it. First, I am in crisis mode, and it is hard for me to think about much else without feeling some degree of anxiety about work. Second, it seems to me that, when I do take breaks with my girlfriend, for one reason or another, the break extends to the whole day, and I wind up getting nothing accomplished. Half of me wonders if, somewhere, deep inside, my girlfriend doesn't want me to succeed. If I get fired, in some weird way, that means that I will not have something else in my life that takes attention away from her--perhaps she thinks that, if I get fired, I will focus entirely on her and her needs.

This is where the Saturday Market comes in. I had promised her awhile ago that I would go to the Saturday Market with her, and we talked about this at the counselor's office. At the time, with some help from the counselor, it seemed that this would be a good compromise. This was an example where I would not focus too much on work and invest time in the both of us. However, just like I feared, this trip was not a break within a day, but it took the whole day. That night, there was no time left over for working on my reports because the house needed to be cleaned, things needed to be put away, and dinner had to be cooked. By the time 10:00 p.m. rolled around, I was too tired to get anything more done.

Today, Sunday, I am back at work trying to bang out a report that has the new deadline of tomorrow. My boss is expecting the first report on her desk sometime on Monday. While I am glad to be at work trying to catch up, I regret the time lost yesterday, and I am hoping that the time I spend here today will not become the topic of an argument that we have tonight. It seems to me that, in a perfect relationship, people sometimes support their partner when they know he or she has a problem that needs to be worked out. I hope that this is something we can learn how to do for each other, because, I am sad to say--I need that support right now. I'm trying not to be selfish, but on the other hand, I don't want to lose my job.